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They Do Have Cilantro and Chiles In Common

Indiatacobell At this point I would’ve imagined that American chains had done a good job of infiltrating the world. That’s why I’m often surprised to learn of a new one staking their claim. Yum Brands has had Pizza Hut and KFC in India for some time.

Now they’re introducing Taco Bell and going for the youth market. Niren Chaudhary, general manager of Yum's India business says, "What consumers are looking for is not an Indian version of Mexican food but a truly Mexican-inspired food experience.”

I have absolutely no idea what a Mexican-inspired food experience might be—will it involve piñatas and sombreros?

Illustration from Our Delhi Struggle.

You Could Already Be a Winner

Chainshirt So, the latest food-based reality show will center on personal chefs. All well and good but I’m still stuck on the tentatively named United Plates of America, a reality show competition focused on chain restaurant concepts.

Sadly, the window of opportunity for the chain I dreamt up in the late ‘90s: Totally Grubbin’ has long passed (a glass half-full blogger would call themselves a pioneer for having 11-year-old posts to refer to; I would use a different word to describe writing barely read nonsense online for over a decade). Now that it’s almost the 2010s I can't imagine there is a swath of America left that would be interested in anything tribal and Xtreme. For the modern consumer I might suggest an Ed Hardy theme restaurant.

Here are a few other concepts ripe for going national.

F.I.Y: fry-it-yourself fun where all tables are equipped with a built-in fryolator Korean barbecue-style. The restaurant provides the raw material and you simply batter and dip away. Does it get any fresher? There will be vegetable tempura for the dainty, fried chicken for the a la minute set, butter balls and Oreos for carnies and 10-patty cheeseburgers for the This is Why You're Fat crowd. Perhaps there will be a menu of batters to choose from. Ranch dip would most certainly be involved.

We must not let the Asians have all the fun. Sure, they’ve already taken the prison and hospital themes, not to mention a mayonnaise restaurant. And you thought eating from a toilet bowl was depraved? Please. Mixologists cover your ears, our bar will be called Douchebag, and yes, all drinks will be served in one. Who cares if the insult has been declared over or that just as with belted sanitary napkins, no one actually knows what a douchebag is anymore. Enemas? Now, that’s a concept for only a select few. I used to know people who would do wine enemas in public restrooms. The idea was to get drunker faster. I am sure there is a target audience for this somewhere in the US and I would love to be the one to introduce the idea on network television.

Gulp! If Rolling Stone can brand dining so can Yelp! and with a $500 million Google deal anything’s possible. Why not cut out the middle man and offer free food directly to Yelpers while providing handheld devices for instant reviews? Each week a different restaurant could have their fare featured in the cafe.

In a Nutshell will only serve allergens: peanuts, shellfish, gluten-rich foods. I see peanut-sauced shrimp over wheat pasta being a big seller.

In reality, I would like to see an American-style indoor hawker center like Food Republic in Singapore. I've always imagined that if I were an kooky rich person like Michael Jackson I would build my Neverland of chefs flown from all over SE Asia to pretty much accommodate me and guests of my choosing (who might just include a grown Macaulay Culkin). If I were really rich and eccentric I would devote my resources into creating a Stargate-type device that could transport me anywhere on the globe for a meal and then return me safely to my apartment. But minus any aliens or ethnically ambiguous people (him too).

Thank You For Being a Friend

Webstermorcilla

Why am I just now hearing about a tapas bar in Granada, Spain called El Rincón de Michael Landon?

Apparently, they have Michael Landon trivia nights on Wednesdays and name the dishes after ‘80s shows. The French fries are “Las Chicas de Oro.” Yes, The Golden Girls. And best of all, the morcilla has been dubbed Webster.

 I guess naming a small brown sausage after Emmanuel Lewis is no worse than Malaysians calling their black-and-white soy milk and black grass jelly drink a Michael Jackson.

Sadly, I can’t find much of anything written about this bar in English. And even sadder are my extremely rare Photoshop attempts (ok, I’m lying—I have Paint Shop Pro).

Most Wanted: Jose Tejas

Garnimal “Can you help me locate a place to purchase the sunglasses that is on the piece of fruit in the drink picture on your website?”

While this plea, important enough to send directly through email, seems nonsensical and vague on the surface, I immediately knew what the searcher was looking for. Unfortunately, I have no clue where Cheeseburger in Paradise obtains the miniature eyewear for their “garnimals” (not to be confused with garanimals).

Which isn’t to say there’s not a bevy of shrunken sunglasses available online:

Collars4Shirts.com not only hawks sunglasses pins for zebra t-shirts, they showcase a photo of garnimals. Bingo. They are also a premier source for dickeys.

ImagineArt7 has John Lennon-style glasses.

Vintage plastic glasses for dolls.

Also, I’ve never seen a television ad for Cheeseburger in Paradise, but someone’s been auditioning for garnimal voice work.

From the search log:

2. jose tejas menu

Ok, that’s easy.

3. pictures jose tejas woodbridge

Also, a snap. And I just learned of the existence of The Unofficial Woodbridge, NJ Flickr Group. So, there’s an official one?

4. what does jose tejas mean in english

Probably whatever Carl’s Jr. means in Spanish.

Buzzkill

Applebee's buttom

Maybe getting your server’s attention is a common problem in casual dining chains–hence the need for Applebee’s introducing a device to buzz your waiter–but I’ve always found the opposite to be true.

Then again, I’m probably a nightmare for servers because I eat incredibly slow and always throw off the pacing. I’m never ready when they periodically check-in and the entrée always shows up way before I’m done with my starter. I need an anti-buzzer.

However, Jan Higgins, 42, of Deltona, loves the concept. "The idea that we don't have to wait, we don't have to flag somebody down, that's awesome."

Photo: Joe Burbank/Orlando Sentinel

The Dinner Party that Wasn’t

Despite sharp back and stomach pains kicking in a few hours after eating an enormous wedge of red velvet cake, I don’t think sugar overdose was the culprit. I’m not convinced that food even had anything to do with it. All I know was that I was unable to eat and alternated between shivering and sweating for the next four days.

The biggest victim was my already low key dinner party that I had planned a month in advance to test out my mole making skills after returning from Oaxaca and to eat some Thanksgiving food staples that I would've missed out on by not being in the US. So, the dinner party turned into an even lower key Sunday late brunch. I couldn’t wait until the following Saturday or all my groceries would’ve rotted. Never mind the issue of cooking for people when possibly teeming with virulent germs like a modern Typhoid Mary.

The first thing I discovered was that my cooking class recipe was missing vital steps in the directions. At no point does mention adding the thyme, oregano, marjoram or avocado leaves (so I didn't notice until the next day) or what to do with the roasted onion, garlic and tomatillos (which I did catch and rectify). Also, my blender seriously couldn’t handle all the grinding and I had to get a second run using an immersion blender. What I really needed was the star of Will It Blend?

Belated thanksgiving turkey mole

But the end result was surprisingly good, extremely thick even after thinning down with quite a bit of chicken broth (I thinned it down even more later) and spicier than expected much more vibrant than dull heavy moles you often get in restaurants. It was served atop turkey to go with my belated Thanksgiving theme (yes, the plates and tablecloth had already moved on) and also because it's a traditional poultry for fiestas. I think my ingredients didn’t get as toasted as they did in class because mine came out a more burnished brown than black but not off from a perfectly authentic black mole I had at Las Quince Letras. I doubled the recipe to 12, which is really more like 20. I know I will be happy to find the remainder in my freezer in a few months.

Horchata-sm Horchata as a cocktail base seemed fitting and being on my mezcal kick, Death & Company’s Smoked Horchata (pictured—I didn't take a photo) fulfilled both needs. That was why Friday night after being home sick all day, I forced myself out of pajamas and into sampling mode. Tasting the original was important. Yet the usual pleasant vegetal undertones of the tequila wasn’t sitting right with my stomach and the fat from the pork belly snack we ordered only worsened matters. Super horchata When pork and alcohol, my two favorite vices, cause distress I know something is seriously wrong. I had to jump up and leave instead of ordering a second cocktail.  The odd thing about this particular drink, especially since it was listed under a Ladies’ Choice heading (or some such), was that it could’ve been a touch sweeter and I don’t normally like sweet drinks.

We added a bit more cinnamon simple syrup when we made our version and used instant horchata because crafting a ricey beverage from scratch was way too much to tackle. The mole was enough. Don’t you love the logo from Salvadoran brand Dona Lisa?

Belated thanksgiving sweet potatoes

Fiery sweet potatoes with coconut milk and Sriracha came from a recent New York Times article. They were ok, I don't find sweet potatoes particularly inspiring ever.

Belated thanksgiving spicy brussels sprouts with mint & rice krispies

Dead opposite were the David Chang spicy brussels sprouts with mint from Food & Wine. The sweet-salty fish sauce dressing was perfect and the toasted chile-coated Rice Krispies and sesame seeds on top added both snap, crackle pop texture and heat. This is a side to tuck away for future weeknight usage.

Belated thanksgiving stuffing

This fruit-studded Oaxacan stuffing was featured in the November Saveur. (I love all the pedantic comments about the ingredients not being Oaxacan. I guess it would be a bit like me making up a stuffing, possibly substituting bagels chunks for bread [has anyone done that?] and calling it Brooklyn stuffing but who really cares if it tastes good).  I chose it not only because it was timely but also because it was meat-free (I try to keep sides with vegetarians in mind).

Interestingly, I ended up cooking the budin de tamala y pan featured in the same article while taking a cooking class with Susana Trilling the day before Thanksgiving. It was so much better than it sounded on paper (or maybe I just don't find bread pudding compelling) perhaps because we made ours with a caramel sauce spiked with passionfruit crema de mezcal instead of rum. This dish convinced me to pick up a bottle of the sweetened spirit (El Rey Zapoteco) which initially I thought would be cloying. If I weren't already dead set on the ode to Gourmet’s bourbon pumpkin cheesecake, I would’ve switched to this dessert.

Belated thanksgiving chipotle cranberry relish

Chipotle cranberry sauce. I just realized this Bon Appetit recipe is from Marlena Spieler, whom I follow on Twitter. So weird, Twitter, I also got a DM from Rick Bayless this evening. 

Belated thanksgiving bourbon pecan pumpkin cheesecake

Back to that Gourmet pumpkin cheesecake with bourbon sour cream topping. I've been thinking about this particular recipe ever since the venerable magazine was given a death sentence a few months ago. The criticism that Gourmet was a fount of elitism just didn't ring true with me. (The recipes in Saveur, for example, are more obscure and hold to no 30-minute-and-under meals format yet the magazine is thriving. And the fun Frank Bruni article in the latest Food & Wine where he harasses Le Bernadin’s sommelier contains recipes rife with ingredients no average American would have on hand: sea beans, veal demiglace, herbes de Provence, escolar, wagyu beef, to name a few. ) I first baked this particular cheesecake for Thanksgiving in 1990, the year the recipe originally ran.

Despite never being much of a cook and seriously not using an oven for all of 1990, my mom was still a Gourmet subscriber (as well as a reader of Sunset and Victoria—anyone remember that flowery-powdery mag? Ha, it still exists). I can say with 99% certainty that she never made a single thing from it but the fact that it ended up in the living room of our apartment at all says something. My 2009 mom can’t stand keeping it real, everyman Tony Bourdain because in her mind he’s a snob. I think that special where he went on about his $1,000+ meal at Masa kind of had something to do with it.

1990 was the year that I would've gone off to college, lived in a dorm, played beer pong, gained literary references for future cocktail parties and had all sorts of independent life changing experiences if I were a TV kid (even if I were a TV kid I would not join a sorority). Instead, I went to a teeny tiny art school almost exclusively on student loans (which I might actually still be paying off—it’s too painful to calculate) and couldn’t afford to move out of the house. It was one step up from community college and wasn't unusual. My best friend that year also lived with his family (including his morbidly obese mom who put him over his knee and maniacally spanked him in front of shocked guests including myself on his 19th birthday) across the Columbia River in Vancouver. 

I brought this pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and I think my sister at my then boyfriend’s mom’s apartment, one of those sprawling ‘70s complexes with outdoor staircases, The Birnamwood, next to Mt. Hood Community College, the higher education institute that I would rather incur debt to avoid attending (my wizened, bearded and denim-vested hippie English teacher disparaged the place as "high school with ashtrays" but I just discovered that even that has changed).

Despite being easy to cook and kind of foolproof, the cheesecake seemed very classy, maybe because of the bourbon, maybe pecans were expensive. I didn't even bother with the 16 decorative halves on top this year, leaving the creamy porcelain surface naked because I'm frugal by nature and was using a bag of nut bits from Trader Joe's.

I also made this cheesecake when it was republished in Gourmet in 2003 and was then shocked that 13 years had passed. Now it has been 19 and I am training myself to stop being distressed over years disappearing with increasing frequency because it’s only going to get worse. Not having children, rapidly growing human timepieces, does tend to mute the passing of time. (If I had a child in 1990 when I was a young but legal adult that child would now be a young but legal adult and could be baking me a pumpkin cheesecake.) The only upside to Gourmet ceasing publication is that I won’t have any future recipe reprints reminding me how swiftly the world moves forward.

Waffling

Harlem's first Applebee's opened today but Uptown Flavor was lucky enough to attend an opening party this weekend. What caught my attention was mention of the restaurant serving items from local businesses such as Make My Cake just as Downtown Brooklyn Applebee's provides slices of Cake Man Raven red velvet cakes, and that "They will also feature a few Harlem specific dishes that are exclusive to the Harlem restaurant."

I'm curious what these hyper-regional dishes will be. All I can imagine is chicken and waffles, which has become so pervasive that the version served at Buttermilk Channel down the street from my apartment was on the cover of last week's Time Out New York. How do you interpret "Harlem specific?"

There Goes the Beef

Wendy's japan Keeping balance in the universe (or at least the Asian continent), Japan loses Wendy's after a 29 years in the country while the chain returns to Singapore after a ten-year absence.

AP Photo/Koji Sasahara

Casa Mario Lombardo

1/2 Oaxaca was freeing. I could indulge in Hawaiian pizza, the love that dare not speak its name in New York City, with no shame. Ham and pineapple is revered, ok, enjoyed by Mexicans in a way that is not allowed in the Northeast but likely still holds traction in many parts of the United States (growing up a half pepperoni/half Hawaiian was a standard family-pleasing order).

Frozen hawaiana pizza

My theory is only bolstered by evidence found in the freezer case at Soriana.

Domino's hawaiian pizza in oaxaca

Domino’s are not foreign to Oaxacans. In fact, I was kind of excited to see their delivery ad showcasing Hawaiian pizza propped up on the television in the Hotel Aitana, my second of three lodgings. This one was geared toward middle class Mexican travelers, a little pricey and no concessions made to English-speakers.

Hotel aitana bathroom swan

When you get the swan towel treatment you know you’ve made it.

Casa maria lombardo oven

That didn’t mean I was going to order Domino’s, though. Casa Maria Lombardo, an Italian restaurant featuring dishes cooked in the wood-burning oven seemed like a more serious option. When I stopped in after Spanish class everyone was eating pizza and I was initially surprised at the lack of tourists, considering every relatively nice place–wines served, quirky décor like cheese grater lamps, stand-up metal purse hooks–I’d been to up until this point were inhabited by Americans.

Casa maria lombardo hawaiian pizza

So, Hawaiian it was. Size chico. The sweet-salty combination neither Italian, Mexican nor Hawaiian was transformed even further by the two condiments presented to all diners: salsa and ketchup. Clearly, there is an audience for the ketchup though the only people I’ve ever known to add the sweet tomato sauce to their pizza were Filipinos. Salsa made perfect sense, however, I always drizzle a little Sriracha on my slices. This was just a chunkier, fresher rendition. And the style at Casa Maria Lombardo was very sparing with the tomato sauce foundation. A little extra spicy tomato-based moisture didn’t hurt.

Casa maria lombardo pizza bottom

The crust had even scattered leopard spots charred on the bottom  but this is not the thin bubbly Neapolitan style appreciated in NYC. This was fork and knife pizza with enough structure to allow easy cutting. I don’t only enjoy pineapple on my pizza, I also refuse to fold, always going for the knife and fork even when plastic. Yes, I liked Mexican pizza.

Unflattering out of focus photo taken by a stranger Solo dining, I was generally invisible to all but bauble hawkers (who oddly never made an appearance in this restaurant) so I was surprised that a gentleman, one of two businessmen drinking lots of wine by the glass (they really should’ve just ordered a bottle) at the table next to me offered to take my photo. I think he felt bad seeing me by myself snapping shots of my food. Then I felt weird and explained that I actually like taking photos of my food and didn’t need a photo of myself then relented at the last minute because it might be the only one I’d have from this vacation. Unfortunately, it’s a blurry unflattering photo. He didn’t know how to use the camera and the flash was off and I have horrible blobby posture and was sunburnt. Even so, if I am to only have one photographic reminder of my Mexican vacation it should really involve Hawaiian pizza.

Casa Maria Lombardo * Abasolo 314, Oaxaca, Mexico

The Farm on Adderley

Three-and-half-hours is a long time to wait for a table by anyone's standards. More so in a non-prime neighborhood like Ditmas Park even if said neighborhood got The New York Times' Living In treatment, "Moved for the Space; Stayed for the Food" (sounds good on paper) the very same Saturday you decided to poke your head in Purple Yam, their first Saturday in business.

Who knew there was such a clamor for upscale Filipino fare along the Q line? Tocino sliders on purple pan de sal would have to wait.

Still wanting to see what Ditmas Park was morphing into (I'd never stopped in the stand-alone-homes-with-porches enclave in the 11.5 years I've lived here) we settled for The Farm on Adderley, the type of rustic, dangling filament bulb restaurant that has overrun the northwest corner of Brooklyn but is still novel in the bulk of the borough. With their refined casualness, these bellwethers of a neighborhood's status are exactly the places I would avoid in my 20s for being too adult and prohibitively priced yet are now embraced by 21st century 20-somethings. Maybe that's a recent shift in taste, maybe that's just New York City. Do Middle American 24-year-olds dine on $20 organic roast chicken and drink bottles of biodynamic wine?

Farm on adderley apple tempura

Apple tempura is certainly not something clogging the menus like homemade pickles, sausages and pork belly, though. A true novelty, the crunchy, lightly coated slices of mellow red apple sat in a porky broth dashing any notions that a fruit focused starter would be either vegetarian friendly or healthy. Autumnal, to be sure.

Farm on adderley artic char

Meaty Artic char with lentils and beets clung closer to tradition. Pickled garlic was a nice touch.

Already having Buttermilk Channel and Chestnut walking distance from my apartment, it's not likely I will return to Ditmas Park for this satisfying yet not hard to find American style of cooking anytime soon. I am curious about fancified lechon, however, so Purple Yam it will be when the wait times simmer back down to normal.

The Farm on Adderley * 1108 Cortelyou Rd., Brooklyn, NY