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Posts tagged ‘Small Tragedies’

A Senior Moment


Seniors

This is the headline: Kraft Gets Grandma to Upload Her Videos

This is the hook: “Kraft is breaking down the conventional wisdom about demographics and user-generated video. In a successful promotion for Philadelphia Cream Cheese, the company succeeded in getting over 5,000 women mostly age 35 and older to upload videos of themselves preparing their favorite recipes.”

Grandma, here, almost soiled her adult diaper–and is having an uncontrollable urge to put cream cheese in her Thai curry. Where would she have gotten such a notion?

Image from DesignerOnline.

Pining Away

Thursday night I was nibbling on party food, home party food—hummus, edamame, French onion dip, crackers, grilled kabobs—not the lollipop chicken and sliders of catered parties and nothing with crazy flavors. Which is why the rotten, bitter taste that suddenly appeared in my mouth made no sense. Had I damaged my taste buds with too much alcohol—or I was allergic to cane rum? Sunday, I'd attended a cachaça seminar and because I'm easily influenced had brought a bottle of Leblon as a gift to this birthday party.

Friday, my morning half-bagel splurge (I know, sad) was ruined by the metallic bitterness and it didn't let up the rest of the day. I turned to Twitter, which has never been the source of any particular wisdom (or camaraderie or marketing platform or whatever it is particpants use it for) until now. I got my answer! Bret Thorn of Nation's Restaurant News knew what was what.

Pine nut diagnosis

Pine nuts. Yes, I had eaten them, toasted and sprinkled on a salad I'd made Monday night. Trader Joe's brand. But nonsensically, I had used these same pine nuts in a green bean dish on Memorial Day when cooking for a group of visiting family members and suffered no ill effects. I wonder if anyone else did.

Saturday, I thought I'd gotten rid of the pine nut plague; it wasn't noticeable at all while drinking Sixpoint Rye and eating pizza while watching the World Cup at Rocky Sullivan's. But the food-wrecking sensation crept back while late night snacking at The Vanderbilt, triggered by a glass of Torrontes.

Sunday, I learned that pine nut mouth is an epidemic! Straight from The Awl, which is very much like the CDC. Megnut suffered the same bitter fate last week. The syndrome was also just mentioned on The Body Odd, an MSNBC blog.

Three in a week is a trend. Move over miracle fruit, rancid pine nuts are all the rage.

I Love My Calendar Girl


Januarymarch

I’m not a gossipmonger, I don’t really care about the peccadilloes of television chefs or AMC actresses and I don’t 100% understand the chain of events that led up to January Jones calling up Bobby Flay for advice on how to handle what appears to be a drunk driving incident, but can we agree that Griller & Chiller's  friend very much resembles his wife, Stephanie March?

If I had a husband who was hanging out with a half-decade younger version of me, it would not be cool. And this month of the year name business just might be treading into fetish territory. April Bowlby (What? You don’t watch Drop Dead Diva or Two and a Half Men?) had better stay alert.

Start Spreading the News

Philadelphia-cookbook Kraft and whomever else can put ads on every page corner of Bon Appetit for all I care—they lost me months ago. Gourmet loyalists have already proven that they won’t be won over the by the BA, and at least now there is no pretense of publishing a sophisticated food magazine. Let it all hang out.

One of my only concerns with Taste of Home, my latest subscription, is their rampant abuse of cream cheese. Philadelphia cream cheese is the anti-raw milk Époisses. I happen to like both, but please don’t make me puree the soft white block into a pesto. Thanks.

Meet the Locovores

Locavore When Cochon 555—the five pigs, five chefs, five winemakers competition that travels around the country—came to NYC, people ate pork and blogged about it.

When Cochon 555 came to Portland (my love-hate hometown) strip clubs were involved (not sure if it's true but travel writers always like pointing out that the city has the highest number of tittie bars per capita) bones were fractured, heads were butted, arrests were made. And supposedly over the winning pig being from Iowa. Locavore rage! The only thing missing are vegan militants on fixed gear bikes crashing the party. Compost or die!

When I first moved here, I would often catch myself saying, "That's so New York." Twelve years later and I still don't understand why you get a straw, napkin and a bag for a soda or why people who think it's a good idea to eat fried chicken on-the-go throw the bones on the sidewalk instead of in a garbage can, but lately I find myself thinking "That is so Portland" with alarming frequency.

Image from Brownie Points

Oh, I’m Sneering

Babyrestaurant I celebrated my last birthday, number 37, at Cafe Boulud.

Meenakshi, the two-year-old daughter of the author who penned this week’s irritant in The New York Times, “Fine Dining Where Strollers Don’t Invite Sneers,” also marked the passing of another year at this Upper East Side restaurant. Toddlers love goat-cheese risotto balls, it turns out.

The types of parents who thinks it’s adorable that L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon will provide DVD players showing Shrek, are also those deluded into thinking that servers enjoy cleaning up after kids.

I’ve never worked in a restaurant but I have a hard time believing that the waiter at Fred’s “…was amused, not annoyed, by Meenakshi’s game of dropping her plastic cutlery on the floor more than a dozen times so he could pick it up."

Sounds like a fun game. You know what might be more fun? Getting stoned and watching Babies.

Saigon baby restaurant photo from miandering.

Artichoking Up

Artichokes I'm still trying to figure out what Bon Appetit is good for, it melds with Food & Wine in my brain and I only willingly subscribed to the latter. So far it has served as memory dredger.

My attitude toward mayonnaise has softened with age. It does have a place in the kitchen and I'm able to eat it as long as I can't see it oozing out from under a slice of bread or a bun like a white lava flow. But I'd completely blocked out the source of my mayonnaise aversion until I saw the photo of an artichoke with bagna cauda in this month's Bon Appetit (written by a Portlander). Steamed artichokes!

There was a spell in the late '70s right after we'd located from the Bay Area to Portland when that my aunt who'd dropped out of high school and was working at Winchell's was staying with us. There couldn't have been too much of a rift in the family because around this same time her parents, my grandparents, lived in our yard in an RV (nomadism is very much in our genes—last year my sister and husband were living in a recreational vehicle in Springfield).

One night, this aunt was babysitting my sister and me and made steamed artichokes with mayonnaise. That seems impossibly sophisticated now (this is the same aunt who was in the ER last week due to an Atkins fudge overdose) which isn't a knock on my family’s taste, but let’s just say that frozen Salisbury steak and canned creamed corn were the types of thing my dad would make for dinner when my mom worked nights (graveyard shift, which sounded ominous). Perhaps artichokes and dip were a mainstream edible of the era that seemed fancier than it was like green goddess dressing.

Even though I couldn't have been more than four years old, I thought this was a delicious snack…until I got the barfs. I couldn't look at mayonnaise the same way again. These things stay with you. Also during preschool years, I refused to eat a bologna sandwich with mayonnaise while sitting with my mom underneath a giant curved half-circle jungle gym. I was convinced the barkdust we were sitting on had gotten into the sandwich.

Now, I'm sounding very neurotic because after throwing up at the Rose Festival Fun Center (believe me, there is nothing less fun) after church with the smell of wet barkdust and corndogs in the air, I've never liked either. In fact, on the way to the gym where I was reading this Bon Appetit, I passed by a few trees surrounded by freshly rained on mulch (they don't call it barkdust in NYC) and had carny flashbacks.

Mystery of the Chinese Salad

Chinese salad Who can guess the Chinese chain restaurant where Tina Fey was served a salad containing a Band-Aid, then a bug?

I think the real question is why you would order a salad in a Chinese restaurant…or why a Chinese restaurant would serve them.

I vote for Ollie's, as they actually have a small salad section on their menu.

Paula Deen's Chinese Salad (pictured) uses a package of ramen and the seasoning packet. [via Eater NY]

The Dinner Party that Wasn’t

Despite sharp back and stomach pains kicking in a few hours after eating an enormous wedge of red velvet cake, I don’t think sugar overdose was the culprit. I’m not convinced that food even had anything to do with it. All I know was that I was unable to eat and alternated between shivering and sweating for the next four days.

The biggest victim was my already low key dinner party that I had planned a month in advance to test out my mole making skills after returning from Oaxaca and to eat some Thanksgiving food staples that I would've missed out on by not being in the US. So, the dinner party turned into an even lower key Sunday late brunch. I couldn’t wait until the following Saturday or all my groceries would’ve rotted. Never mind the issue of cooking for people when possibly teeming with virulent germs like a modern Typhoid Mary.

The first thing I discovered was that my cooking class recipe was missing vital steps in the directions. At no point does mention adding the thyme, oregano, marjoram or avocado leaves (so I didn't notice until the next day) or what to do with the roasted onion, garlic and tomatillos (which I did catch and rectify). Also, my blender seriously couldn’t handle all the grinding and I had to get a second run using an immersion blender. What I really needed was the star of Will It Blend?

Belated thanksgiving turkey mole

But the end result was surprisingly good, extremely thick even after thinning down with quite a bit of chicken broth (I thinned it down even more later) and spicier than expected much more vibrant than dull heavy moles you often get in restaurants. It was served atop turkey to go with my belated Thanksgiving theme (yes, the plates and tablecloth had already moved on) and also because it's a traditional poultry for fiestas. I think my ingredients didn’t get as toasted as they did in class because mine came out a more burnished brown than black but not off from a perfectly authentic black mole I had at Las Quince Letras. I doubled the recipe to 12, which is really more like 20. I know I will be happy to find the remainder in my freezer in a few months.

Horchata-sm Horchata as a cocktail base seemed fitting and being on my mezcal kick, Death & Company’s Smoked Horchata (pictured—I didn't take a photo) fulfilled both needs. That was why Friday night after being home sick all day, I forced myself out of pajamas and into sampling mode. Tasting the original was important. Yet the usual pleasant vegetal undertones of the tequila wasn’t sitting right with my stomach and the fat from the pork belly snack we ordered only worsened matters. Super horchata When pork and alcohol, my two favorite vices, cause distress I know something is seriously wrong. I had to jump up and leave instead of ordering a second cocktail.  The odd thing about this particular drink, especially since it was listed under a Ladies’ Choice heading (or some such), was that it could’ve been a touch sweeter and I don’t normally like sweet drinks.

We added a bit more cinnamon simple syrup when we made our version and used instant horchata because crafting a ricey beverage from scratch was way too much to tackle. The mole was enough. Don’t you love the logo from Salvadoran brand Dona Lisa?

Belated thanksgiving sweet potatoes

Fiery sweet potatoes with coconut milk and Sriracha came from a recent New York Times article. They were ok, I don't find sweet potatoes particularly inspiring ever.

Belated thanksgiving spicy brussels sprouts with mint & rice krispies

Dead opposite were the David Chang spicy brussels sprouts with mint from Food & Wine. The sweet-salty fish sauce dressing was perfect and the toasted chile-coated Rice Krispies and sesame seeds on top added both snap, crackle pop texture and heat. This is a side to tuck away for future weeknight usage.

Belated thanksgiving stuffing

This fruit-studded Oaxacan stuffing was featured in the November Saveur. (I love all the pedantic comments about the ingredients not being Oaxacan. I guess it would be a bit like me making up a stuffing, possibly substituting bagels chunks for bread [has anyone done that?] and calling it Brooklyn stuffing but who really cares if it tastes good).  I chose it not only because it was timely but also because it was meat-free (I try to keep sides with vegetarians in mind).

Interestingly, I ended up cooking the budin de tamala y pan featured in the same article while taking a cooking class with Susana Trilling the day before Thanksgiving. It was so much better than it sounded on paper (or maybe I just don't find bread pudding compelling) perhaps because we made ours with a caramel sauce spiked with passionfruit crema de mezcal instead of rum. This dish convinced me to pick up a bottle of the sweetened spirit (El Rey Zapoteco) which initially I thought would be cloying. If I weren't already dead set on the ode to Gourmet’s bourbon pumpkin cheesecake, I would’ve switched to this dessert.

Belated thanksgiving chipotle cranberry relish

Chipotle cranberry sauce. I just realized this Bon Appetit recipe is from Marlena Spieler, whom I follow on Twitter. So weird, Twitter, I also got a DM from Rick Bayless this evening. 

Belated thanksgiving bourbon pecan pumpkin cheesecake

Back to that Gourmet pumpkin cheesecake with bourbon sour cream topping. I've been thinking about this particular recipe ever since the venerable magazine was given a death sentence a few months ago. The criticism that Gourmet was a fount of elitism just didn't ring true with me. (The recipes in Saveur, for example, are more obscure and hold to no 30-minute-and-under meals format yet the magazine is thriving. And the fun Frank Bruni article in the latest Food & Wine where he harasses Le Bernadin’s sommelier contains recipes rife with ingredients no average American would have on hand: sea beans, veal demiglace, herbes de Provence, escolar, wagyu beef, to name a few. ) I first baked this particular cheesecake for Thanksgiving in 1990, the year the recipe originally ran.

Despite never being much of a cook and seriously not using an oven for all of 1990, my mom was still a Gourmet subscriber (as well as a reader of Sunset and Victoria—anyone remember that flowery-powdery mag? Ha, it still exists). I can say with 99% certainty that she never made a single thing from it but the fact that it ended up in the living room of our apartment at all says something. My 2009 mom can’t stand keeping it real, everyman Tony Bourdain because in her mind he’s a snob. I think that special where he went on about his $1,000+ meal at Masa kind of had something to do with it.

1990 was the year that I would've gone off to college, lived in a dorm, played beer pong, gained literary references for future cocktail parties and had all sorts of independent life changing experiences if I were a TV kid (even if I were a TV kid I would not join a sorority). Instead, I went to a teeny tiny art school almost exclusively on student loans (which I might actually still be paying off—it’s too painful to calculate) and couldn’t afford to move out of the house. It was one step up from community college and wasn't unusual. My best friend that year also lived with his family (including his morbidly obese mom who put him over his knee and maniacally spanked him in front of shocked guests including myself on his 19th birthday) across the Columbia River in Vancouver. 

I brought this pumpkin cheesecake for Thanksgiving dinner with my mom and I think my sister at my then boyfriend’s mom’s apartment, one of those sprawling ‘70s complexes with outdoor staircases, The Birnamwood, next to Mt. Hood Community College, the higher education institute that I would rather incur debt to avoid attending (my wizened, bearded and denim-vested hippie English teacher disparaged the place as "high school with ashtrays" but I just discovered that even that has changed).

Despite being easy to cook and kind of foolproof, the cheesecake seemed very classy, maybe because of the bourbon, maybe pecans were expensive. I didn't even bother with the 16 decorative halves on top this year, leaving the creamy porcelain surface naked because I'm frugal by nature and was using a bag of nut bits from Trader Joe's.

I also made this cheesecake when it was republished in Gourmet in 2003 and was then shocked that 13 years had passed. Now it has been 19 and I am training myself to stop being distressed over years disappearing with increasing frequency because it’s only going to get worse. Not having children, rapidly growing human timepieces, does tend to mute the passing of time. (If I had a child in 1990 when I was a young but legal adult that child would now be a young but legal adult and could be baking me a pumpkin cheesecake.) The only upside to Gourmet ceasing publication is that I won’t have any future recipe reprints reminding me how swiftly the world moves forward.

Buffalo Wilding Wings

Wildwings This is why Brooklyn can never have anything nice. There's no way a high-class chain like Cheesecake Factory would set up downtown when people are shooting and stabbing over a 40-cent Buffalo Wild Wings promotion down the street.

Celebrating my birthday at the Atlantic Center Mall Chuck E. Cheese's opening week cured me of all desires to ever set foot in that shopping center again (ok, I had to get my driver's license renewed at the second-floor DMV). Tabletop diaper poopers, animatronic abusers combined with oblivious parents create the violent hot wing-loving teens of the future.

The most trouble I ever caused at a chain in high school was sharing a plate instead of paying for my own at Izzy's buffet.