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Who Knew Dracula Was a Cashier

Against my better judgment, I do end up at Key Food maybe once every other week. Unless I feel like walking ten blocks or more after work when I'm usually beat up, KF is the only option. A few months ago, though obviously still fresh in my mind, I had a check-out experience to end all. I couldn't even tell you the handful of items I was attempting to purchase, except that there was a head of garlic in the jumble. I thought KF was just employing super incompetent teens, but apparently they're now hiring vampires, too.

First, I couldn't get anyone to acknowledge my presence, which isn't out of the ordinary. Then, one of the women decides to saunter over, she starts scanning my stuff, then screams bloody murder like she's been stabbed or something, and then declares "I don't touch garlic" and storms off from the register mid-ring up to go wash her hands. Then, I got to wait some more for another lovely cashier to take her place like nothing weird was happening.

I almost lost my shit, and not even figuratively. I'm so sick of this store that doing something incredibly foul like defecating in the aisles is actually starting to sound attractive. I mean, if they have problems with touching garlic, just think what fun a pile of poo would create.

Key Food * 395 Court St., Brooklyn, NY

James has a great Key Food story, it's too bad he's not one for the written word because I only know it second hand and that it involves a frequently quoted (by him) dialogue between cashier and customer that starts something like, "what the fuck you lookin' at bitch"!? and ends in an equally charming fashion.

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