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Posts from the ‘Small Tragedies’ Category

Baby, I Can’t Wait

The last Urban Outfitters catalog that found its way into my mail pile spazzed me out by the rampant showcasing of leggings and stirrup pants. I eventually calmed down, the dismay faded from memory. Until last night when I got home after eating at Sigiri, a newish Sri Lankan restaurant in the East Village (black curry and hoppers rule) and observed that a new Urban Outfitters catalog was waiting for me in the foyer. Ok, lately I've been super tired and lazy at night, so I could be mistaken, but I swear one of the photos had a girl holding a Nu Shooz record. Not "Poolside," but possibly a 12" single because the art looks very much the same (but to be fair, lots of art from that era resembles each other). I can't be bothered to find my old entry (which could soon be rectified–look for a totally revamped website in the next few weeks) but I know that I've mentioned this Portland one-hit-wonder more than once, if only because it tidily sums up all that I loathe about recycled pop culture. When the kids start turning to a forgotten-for-a-reason NW band for fun and inspiration, you know the world is in big trouble. I didn't actually bother to look up album art last night when I had the catalog near me (I don't currently) because I was tired and have ADD, but don't think I'll forget. This will be rectified this evening, believe, me.

Ok, record geeks. I found the offending Urban Outfitters catalog online, but the image is tiny so you have to drag the "close up" magnifying square over the 12" in the foreground. The more I dwell on this, the more I doubt that it's Nu Shooz, after all. So then, what record is it?

Key to Happiness

Key_1 I don't think anyone would be cheering for Key Food's Court Street demise any louder than I. Good riddance is an understatement. Unfortunately, I was too busy/lazy this weekend to snap any photographic souvenirs of the decimation. Lucky for me this neighborhood is thick with bloggers that I can vicariously get my doses of shopping schadenfreude from.

My fear is that the supposed CVS taking its place will hire all the displaced Key Food employees. The disaffected teens will stay cashiers and the white lab coat guy who stands by the front doors doing nothing will become a pharmacist.

I do think it's weird that for such gentrified neighborhood, this little corner will have zero grocery stores. As much as I've always loathed Key Food, it was my only easily walkable after work option. There's not a heck of a lot open after 7 pm in these parts. I can only guess that many Carroll Gardens citizens must have cars or rely on Fresh Direct.

Does the neighborhood need another drug store? [423smith]
Key Food pandemonium [milk.org]
All of Carroll Gardens to close [A Brooklyn Life]

Key Food * 395 Court St., Brooklyn, NY

Yapping About Noodles

S.O.S. I've been stuck in a culinary wasteland since starting a new job around E. 55th and Third Ave. a few weeks ago. I miss Yagura and Café Zaiya, where you could eat like an emperor for $4.50. (I'll also admit to missing a lighter workload, which meant more web posting).

Now I'm in the land of the mediocre $10 salad. If I weren't so thrifty I'd go for the tasty looking offerings from Starwich (despite a minute pay increase I'm still firmly in librarian compensation zone. I don't know what it'll take to get me to raise my $5 lunch budget. Well, I a few years ago I was a strict brown-bagger, so I have loosened up a bit). If I wasn't half-heartedly watching my weight I'd try these "cheeseburkers" at the newish Burke in the Box at Bloomingdale's.

To my amusement, I am one block from a peculiarly tucked away Outback Steakhouse. It just seems really out of place, I can't even imagine who goes there. "No rules, just right," right? What if I started eating Bloomin' Onions for lunch? That fits neither my healthy nor under five bucks requirements (ouch, the onion blob is $8.49 at this location–it's $6.29 in most of NJ, which I only know because they actually post menus by location on their site)

To get back on task, I was meaning to write about how on day one, I scoured menupages looking for a nearby noodle shop. So far, I've settled on Master Yap, which is Chinese rather than Japanese, which is fine, I love roast meats, but it's just not the same. I crave  dashi broth and chewy udon, and while Yagura's chicken did include skin, it just somehow felt better for you than a heap of sliced pork.

Masteryap Master Yap's meat is so red with dye that it stains the broth and noodles pinkish orange (if you get rice vermicelli or chow fun) which seems wrong. There is a little bok choy and bean sprouts tossed in so you can pretend it's counter balancing the pork fat.  But the broth is ho hum, and at $4.99 it goes over my limit with tax, though only minutely. I spruce it up with a little chile oil. I'm still not in love with Master Yap, but it has saved me from Pax, Au Bon Pain and Houston's, the biggies around my block.

Tales of Stirrup Greatness

Ok, I've stood by as the kids play their Pointer Sisters and Thriller-era Michael Jackson at bars and parties, as they do that Suzanne Sommers tight jeans tucked into tall boots thing, and I've even abided asymmetrical haircuts and side ponytails, but "footless tights" cannot, will not be tolerated or accepted. I am not fooled by marketers refraining from calling the stretchy leggings leggings. When stirrup pants start appearing (if they aren't already in the stores) will they be rebranded as demi-tights, strappy tights, or another vague euphemism? Never mind, I'm blind, they're also being sold by Urban Outfitters as xtra long stirrup with this adorable ad copy, "The '80s weren't all that long ago, so you should recognize these, or at least have heard tales of their greatness." I have nothing to add, that pretty much sums it up. Maybe I should just embrace the greatness. I can't fight the greatness anymore, it's tiring.

Buyer’s Remorse

Have I mentioned that I'm doing this no snacking, lower calorie, smaller portion thing and it's totally killing me. It's not like I'm starving myself, it's only common sense like don't eat fried greasy things, or eat between meals or have seconds. (Which reminds me, have you seen this shit? I thought the French women don't get fat mania was as lame as it got, but now Japanese women are not only thin, but immortal. I love all this secrets of my (grand)mother's kitchen crap. I'm totally going to pen a memoir that will enlighten the world via my upbringing and the women who imparted their culinary knowledge to me. I will cover the finer points of Pizza Hut, bargain bags of puffed wheat cereal, fried eggs and bacon for dinner [I swear I ate this weekly as a kid, though if my mom is reading this I'm sure she'd argue otherwise] and frozen vegetables. I'm waiting for the diet book about black and Hispanic women getting fat and dying prematurely, which is pretty much the theme of this week's uplifting New York Times series on diabetes.) But I can't stand it and I'm feeling overly emotional and both spacey and snippy. I haven't eaten any sweets or drank any alcohol either, and there's no way that's going to last, especially since I'm going to a party tonight and water is not an option. I'm not trying to detox, just not become cancerous and diabetic before I'm forty (after that, lord only knows). So far, this Friday the 13th has been downright dull, but there's still time for plenty of unpleasant surprises. I hate being cryptic, but I must be, and I'm afraid that I'm having a case of buyer's remorse in an aspect of my life. Normally, this would be a depressing situation, to be stuck with a possibly bad decision. But I'm not stuck, there's potentially another option on the near horizon and that's where the problem and stress lies. It would be like getting married and then running off with another guy in a month. But should you stay with something so-so to avoid incurring wrath (not to mention horrible karma) and eat the misery or be rash and selfish because after all, it is your life and I'm a big proponent of not doing things out of duty or obligation. Ok, here's something far less serious, but still problematic, that I can speak freely about: my greasy patch of hair. I don't know what the fuck happened, but something is severely wrong with my never-luxurious-in-the-first-place locks. There is this patch of hair on the right side of my head towards the back that for the past week or two has been perpetually wet and/or crispy looking like there's product in it. I wash my hair every night and I usually let it air dry and end up going to bed with damp hair, and thought this might be the problem. But it's not. I tried using a dandruff shampoo, thinking that it'd be harsher and get rid of weird build-up, I stopped using conditioner, thinking that maybe it wasn't rinsing out properly. It doesn't matter, I still have a wet-looking chunk. All I can attribute it to is that a few Sundays ago I colored my hair with semi-permanent, no ammonia dye (which is stupid because it doesn't do shit to my gray hairs except turn them golden-brown and makes it look like I have light brown roots and that my real, dark brown color is the fake hue) and instead of leaving it on for 20 minutes like recommended, I kept it on for almost an hour because I got caught up in an episode of Small Space, Big Style that had a segment (I made a mental note to catch this, but now it's been on like five times and I'm bored with it already, please get new episodes, HGTV) with the guy who runs Peek-A-Boo Records that I've had a blind crush on for no particular reason since I know next to nothing about him other than that he's been in a few bands that I like and isn't horrible looking. I thought he might be gay, but apparently has a wife that he lives with in a "small" 900 square-foot Austin condo. Oh my god, how do two people live in such tight quarters? (I know this is a national show, but come on. A 350 square-foot NYC apartment from the same episode is small, but most of these houses have kitchens that are triple mine, and are easily as large as many studios.) But in reality, I've never had any love for band guys and I was bothered that his wife said he never sets foot in the kitchen because I need a man who can cook. And more importantly, because of him my hair now has a permanently waxy texture which is becoming difficult to live with.

Petty Fours

Petitfours It's official, petit fours are overrated. By me, at least. I don't know why I coveted the damn little squares for so long. This year I was given a box as a gift, and while I should've been ecstatic, I was faced with the same grim reality that surfaced the last time I tried petit fours (and yes, I'm sure you get what you pay for–nice confections can't be had on the cheap). They're nothing more than littler Little Debbies with Christmassy frosting flourishes. Waxy, shortening-laden lumps in a pretty shell. And these specimens all had the exact same white cake and raspberry filling. I had to throw them out (this exact thing happened last year, so you think I would've learned) to prevent the angry fullness that comes from gorging on unsatisfying sweets.

What a Sap

I’m so mad that I missed the maple syrup smell again. Last time, I guess it just passed me by. Yesterday, I was home sick and sad to hear midtown sweet scent reports. I’m not even a big fan of maple, it’s just the principle.

Maple Which reminds me of one of my first NYC culture shocks: no maple bars. Seriously, I had no idea this was a regional thing, every grocery store and chain like Dunkin’ Donuts (which are all going out of business on the west coast, despite thriving out here) carries maple bars. It's not like the NW is exactly teeming with maple trees, either. The closest I’ve come in the last seven years has been maple dips at Tim Hortons in eastern Canada. They were typically round with a hole, not long and bun shaped, but the treat was still coated in tan, tree sap tinged icing.

While I’m on a maple nostalgia trip, there was a weird incident in first grade where we’d had maple bars for lunch. And then while playing handball during recess afterwards, this other girl named Krista (Hagen, I think) who came in the middle of the year so she was weird, smiled and her teeth were all brown and maple-y like they were frosting coated. It was kind of obscene, I tried not to stare too hard at her pearly beiges. The thing is, it turned out that her teeth always looked like that and I’d just never noticed until that moment. How did a six-year-old’s teeth get so rotten?

Farm is Stretching it a Bit

This 24-hour cornucopia of cheap produce can be out of the way, depending where you live. But it?s a million times better than any place else in the neighborhood (which isn't saying much considering Greenwood Heights/North Sunset Park/definitely not South Slope lacks proper amenities like real grocery stores [National Supermarket doesn't count] banks and pharmacies. They've got car washes, gas stations, fast food, open-on-Sunday liquor shops, porn palaces/peep shows and a federal prison in spades, however). So, I wouldn't call it a destination shop, but I used to live down the street, and even now it's less than ten minutes by car from Carroll Gardens.

The 25th Street block, between Third and Fourth avenues also has the distinction of nearly being the only scene of a crime I've experienced in my 7 years in NYC. Some kid tried mugging me in broad daylight underneath the BQE while trying to cross the street to Rossman Farms. He didn't get my grocery money despite making mean faces, demanding my wallet numerous times (I was like, "do you mean my wallet or my money?" And I wasn't being a smart ass, my heart was sinking thinking about having to replace my driver license, credit cards and the like just weeks before going on a big vacation I'd been planning for eons. If he just wanted the money, which he eventually agreed that he did, I'd give him the stupid $12 rather than get shot or stabbed) and acting like he had a weapon in his pocket. This was over two years ago and I'm still irritated by the inanity.

The sprawling corner store has recently gussied up with a new sign, covered entry (I'm not sure why it took them so long to decide to shield the outdoor perishables from the elements), electronic screen price displays for some vegetables, more herbs and a smaller yet tidier layout. However, I was stymied by their lack of scales. I guess weighing devices are a luxury. I needed 2 pounds of red peppers and had to go by feel. I was convinced I was well over my requirement but the total was only 1.81 pounds at the register. Now I'm about a pepper short for the muhammara I'm making as a party dip.

Rossman can be hit or miss and is frequently random. For instance, on my latest visit POM branded pomegranates near the front door were going for $3.99 each while further back in the store there were a pile of $1.49 specimens, a little withered but likely still edible. Different displays come with different price tags. I also picked up eight for $1 limes, ginger, mint, basil, a 69-cent bag of onions, and some beets, which I eventually decided against because they seemed goopy and wet. Quality can be an issue, but they still out perform the heinous Key Food closer to my apartment. They also have Israeli canned foods, Sabra products, corn tortillas (even blue ones), as well as staples like milk, juice and eggs.

Watch out, parking under the BQE. No, not for hooligans, used condoms or empty malt liquor bottles, but for dangerous cake remnants. I stepped out of my door, slipped on something viscous and almost fell on my head. Apparently, some freak(s) had eaten an entire cake and left behind the foil-topped, round cardboard base. It was still smeared with frosting and I skidded out on it like a banana peel. What the hell? I'm trying to imagine if a lone binger was scarffing down in her (you know it's not a his) car or if a group on foot had congregated under the shadowy roadway and communally dug in.

Rossman Farms * 770 Third Ave., Brooklyn, NY

Makin’ Bacon

Bacon_1  I knew there had to be a food angle to this whole Braunstein mess. Ok, so he bought a bunch of incriminating crap on ebay: fireman uniform, police badge, chloroform, and now as it turns out, saltpeter. Just because he impersonates one of New York’s bravest and molested someone for over twelve hours doesn’t necessarily mean the perv is making explosives. He could be making bacon, for all anyone knows. The November 9th, New York Times had an article about curing your own bacon and corned beef (granted, this was after the 8.8-pound saltpeter purchase) and calls for the use of sodium nitrate, a.k.a. saltpeter. It inspired me (though I’ve yet to try my hand at homemade charcuterie), maybe Braunstein was bitten by the d.i.y. smoky meat bug, too. Let’s not jump to hasty conclusions.

I’m a Hater, Not a Lover

I was re-reminded by the recent New York Times article “Being Rachael Ray: How Cool is That?” (which will likely be gone in a few days) that there are two kinds of people in this world: the Rachael Ray lovers (actually, I’m having a tough time finding any proper fan sites whatsoever) and the haters. No in-betweens. I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I hate the woman because I’m more mature than that (hate the game, not the playa? What sick game is this anyway?) but yeah, she’s painful to watch.

The last Portland visit where I had conversations with both of my parents, Christmas ’03, Rachael Ray’s name came up totally unprompted. Out of the blue my mom started in on how she couldn’t stand the giggly TV personality. Agreed. She loathes the general population, perhaps even more than I do.

Later that afternoon, I stopped by my dad’s house to be a good daughter, and in an equally unsolicited manner he brought up how great Rachel Ray was. I held my tongue since his middling taste wasn’t exactly news to me, and we had the kind of relationship where it was easier to simply go along rather than create conflict and have to explain why something is so bad. However, if my mom brings up her fondness for things like The View (to be fair, she’s finally given up on The View and now tapes Ellen—at least it’s not Oprah) or The Kite Runner, I will not hold back.

During this holiday vacation, I also discovered that both parents seemed to have a propensity for watching westerns, which I’d never been aware of previously. My dad even went as far as claiming that his new bratty Maltese puppy (purchased to keep him company during an unwelcome early retirement) Bianca (odd name choice, considering that years ago I’d been told that was the original name picked for me. How I ultimately ended up with the considerably more mundane Krista, is beyond me), enjoyed westerns. Let me guess, Bianca’s a Rachael Ray fanatic too?

It’s baffling to me how a Rachael Ray lover and a Rachael Ray hater could be married for twenty years. Could “staying together for the children” really trump such fundamental differences? I don’t think I would ever be able to weather a long or short term relationship, knowing that my significant other had no issues with the relentlessly upbeat or asininely cheery.

My oversimplified criteria for deciding if a guy is worth your time or not has always been: 1. Do they make you laugh? 2. Do you want to touch them? Now, I’ll have to add 3. Do they see anything wrong with a dish called boo-sotto? (it’s not for Halloween) to the list.