Goodies First

Bubba Gump Shrimp Co.

I would be remiss in not taking part of all that Times Square has to offer, now that my office in right in the thick of it. And if there's one thing chains are adept at, it's responding fairly rapidly on social media.

I put out a plea. And Bubba Gump was there for me (29 minutes later). 

@goodiesfirst With us and Bubba, of course!

— BubbaGumpCo (@BubbaGumpCo) April 10, 2013

But really the deciding factor was that out of the many choices in a one-block radius, it was the only chain I'd never tried before. That shrimpy alien-eyed mascot in a top hat had beckoned many times in New Orleans, but I'm not a monster. Three visits in, there's no way that even I could justify allocating a dining occasion there in such a food-rich city. But I'm here all the time and have no problem sacrificing a meal in search of greater knowledge. Bubba Gump Times Square is a very YOLO experience.

I expected tourists. I did not expect foreign tourists. There's a heck of a lot of Italian, Spanish and British-accented English being spoken in line--and yes, there's a line, despite the multiple wood-planked dining rooms that sprawl along the second floor overlooking the northeast corner of 44th and Broadway. More American than New York, though, two diners will still be given a raised booth that could easily seat six, almost making it worth the wait. (For the record, Guy's American Kitchen, equally large, on the same block, looked like you could walk in and snag a table immediately.)

Are the foreigners Forrest Gump fans? I ask, because a friend who's worked in the Viacom building and wondered why anyone would line up, didn't realize the restaurant was themed after the movie. Memorabilia is everywhere and so are the cameras capturing it. My only interaction with the film was once choosing it over True Lies on an unusually hot Portland night because I was desperate for air conditioning, drunk, and I could get in free to movies. I missed the first half, and barely remember the second half.

They push the commemorative glasses with the cocktails, but you can buy your Sierra Mist, blue curacao, rum, vodka, gin and pineapple juice, a.k.a. the Blue Hawaiian, to consume in the normal manner, just renting the glass. The drink are sweet and you won't get drunk, despite the Long Island Iced Tea-esque list of ingredients. Even two stiff brown spirited cocktails at Rum House afterwards won't mitigate the aqua-ness.

Calories are listed on the menu, as is now the law, and no surprise, quite a few dishes break the 1,000 limit. Peel and eat shrimp will not (only 300, if you care). The most popular dish by far is the Shrimpers Heaven, basically 1,420 calories worth of fried shrimp every which way. Vacationers don't care.

If you want a little more cheese and fat, with spinach and artichokes thrown in, Bubba's Far Out Dip will suffice.

And if it's requisite breading and frying you're after, the coconut shrimp with a marmalade dip, supposedly Cajun, works and you don't even have to like seafood because of all the orange and coconut sweetness.

There is a dish called Bubba's After the Storm "Bucket of Boat Trash," which I hope makes more sense to those who paid better attention to the movie.

Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. * 1501 Broadway, New York, NY

Thank God It's Flat-Screened

No shock, TGI Friday's has a bit of an image problem. Even in its natural suburban habitat, the slowly evolving fern bar feels a little long in the tooth. The chain wants to lure back singles because they drink more and spend more (without alienating the families, of course).

The solution has been less flair and more flat screens. Laminate tables have been replaced with wood, as young drinkers require, and strawberry-basil margaritas and cucumber cocktails featuring Hendrick's gin now compete with the signature Mudslide.

Except that every single customer in the foreground of this photo meant to show off a remodeled version with "plush leather seats, solid wood tables and the marble-topped bar" looks to be over 70.

I'm thinking TGI Friday's might be a perfect candidate for The Middle Ages.

Photo: TGI Friday's/Star Tribune

Unseasonal Menus

Taco Bell's announcement of a new "low-end" menu elicited online snickers, but it just means that the company is introducing a $1 Cravings Menu to counterbalance its, er, upscale, Cantina Bell offerings. Nearly twenty years ago (hell, the mid-'90s are that distant?) Taco Bell had a 59-cent, 79-cent, 99-cent menu, so $1 fast food in 2013 is rightfully low-end.

On the innovation side, Fast Company has the Dorritos Locos Taco backstory.

But what I really care about is Bonefish Grill and the "menu refresh" that came to light in Bloomin' Brands' earnings call this week. It'll be the first since 2008 and will begin testing in August.

I'll assume it doesn't involve doing away with bones.

 

 

Must Be the Breadsticks

Attention was paid to the fact that cheaters love chain restaurants. But the real Business Insider doozy was this thing (can you even call this a post or an article?) appearing online 15 minutes later about one anonymous Wall Streeter getting shit done at Olive Garden.

I'll go on record saying that I ate at Bubba Gump on Tuesday. I would totally take clients there if I had an expesnse account (and clients).

The Week in Chains: Hebrew, Hawaiian, Hungry

The debut issue of Israeli Playboy describes Playmate of the Month, Marin Teremets, as "the hottest and sweetest thing imported from America since the chain Cinnabon.” If this photo is to be used as evidence,  the country has some unusual ideas about baked goods.

Like the Chinese embracing Friends a decade-and-a-half late, in 2013 South Africans are now getting a taste of KFC's breasts-as-buns, Double Down. Don't feel too bad for them, though, because they get a Hawaiian burger (pineapple! "Colonel dressing!") and no one else does.

I'd like to promise that this is the first and last time I ever republish a Hungry Girl tweet (I could always move on to Facebook where she's upsetting dieters by posting photos of fries from Gordon Ramsay in Tokyo). But damn if those Cherry Blossom drinks and sweets aren't pretty.

Next time in Tokyo, there may be a Dippin' Dots.

Photo: Cinnabon Israel via Facebook

The Week in Chains: Petites Tomates, Pei Wei Kuwait, Pretzels for Saigon

Frankly, I would visit an international P.F. Chang's sooner than a Pei Wei, but the question has been posed on Twitter.

Pei Wei has expanded globally! Has anyone visited either of our international locations in Mexico or Kuwait? twitter.com/PeiWei/status/…

— PeiWei (@PeiWei) March 22, 2013

Maybe you’re familiar with CaliBurger? I am not. Two will be opening in China with the promise of  “an environment that looks, smells, and feels like California.”

Auntie Anne’s, on the other hand, is nationally ubiquitous, right? Now Saigon will have access to soft pretzels (but not the dipping sauces, according to this blogger).

Three’s a chain, so Mission Chinese Paris, looking more like a reality, merits a mention.

On the uncool end of the spectrum, France loves fast food and is the second-largest McDonald’s market after the US. I don’t imagine the chain’s cherry tomatoes packaged like fries is contributing to its popularity.

SAT-style, Starbucks could eventually be to China as McDonald’s is to France. According to Chief Executive Howard Schultz, “"It's no doubt that one day China will become our second-largest market after the US and it's possible that, over many years, potentially the largest one.”

Wendy’s in Ecuador? Ok, why not.

 

Chain Links: Uno, Dos, Tres

I was getting a little concerned that the Middle East was hogging all the international Cheesecake Factories for itself. No worries (ha, why does everyone hate "no problem" and "no worries" so much?) Mexico and Chile (and possibly Argentina, Brazil, Colombia and Peru) will see at least 12 locations in the next eight years. I do wonder if Mexico City, the first recipient, will put Mexico City Chicken, i.e. "fresh lime chicken breasts over black beans and chicken chorizo, with white rice and spicy tomato sauce. topped with roasted corn salsa," on the menu.

Brazil, Colombia, Panama and the Dominican Republic may not be seeing Cheesecake Factories any time soon, however, these countries will possibly be consoled by Darden brands like Red Lobster, Olive Garden and Longhorn Steakhouse. Sorry, no Bahama Breeze.

No one in Columbia or Peru probably asked for a Sbarro, but too bad. If the existing Mexican Sbarros are any indication, the other Latin American markets won't see a single nod to localization. The elusive Stuffed Philly Cheese Steak pizza survives south of the border, though.

Mexico City chicken photo: Lon&Queta/Flickr

Bonefish Grill Staten Island

If I were a paid mystery shopper for Bloomin' Brands Inc. or a fake employee on Mystery Diners (that show is so staged, right?) I'd have to report some underperformance at NYC's first Bonefish Grill. One could go as far as saying I'm a Bonefish aficionado (no one should go as far as saying afishianado) since I'm unabashed about it being my favorite casual dining chain. Sometimes it even gives me feelings. Staten Island's attempt, though, left me feeling that they weren't quite following New Jersey's model.

They do take reservations, unusual for a chain, and it's an amenity not fully advertised so it's great for  pissing off people who've been waiting close to an hour for their beeper to go off while you get seated straightway (this is how you induce envy in the suburbs).

So, with said reservations at 8:30pm on a Friday, intentionally arrived early to scope out the bar scene. The restaurant, a former Carrabba's (there's also no Olive Garden in S.I. which makes me wonder if the Italian-American contingent won't abide chains) was far less bustling than its New Jersey counterparts. And while less crowded, it still felt understaffed. It took 15 minutes to get a drink, we weren't given the list of specials (I'm not going to order a White Winter Cosmopolitan anyway, but you should offer) and I was asked if I wanted the blue cheese olives in my "Three Olives" Martini (quotes, all theirs) a not uncommon New York-ism where you order something as described on the menu and then are asked what you want in it. So, yes, I want the three blue cheese olives. Of interest, they were serving Brooklyn Sorachi Ace and lager, a nod to NYC not found at Garden State locations.

I started getting panicky (ok, not really) when the bread and pesto dipping sauce didn't automatically arrive after being seated and I didn't see evidence on anyone's table. Once again, like the cheesey olives, we were asked if we wanted bread instead of it arriving by default. Why do they not understand that America is about excess? Would Red Lobster ask if you wanted Cheddar Bay Biscuits? Of course not because the biscuits are the only reason to dine at Red Lobster. Bonefish's warm cibatta is no Cheddar Bay Biscuit, but it's part of the routine. The loaf eventually came, but naked on a plate instead of swaddled in the usual white poly-blend napkin in a metal basket. Is this approved by corporate?

The signature Bang Bang Shrimp arrived minutes after ordering, suspiciously fast. And suspiciously soft.

 I don't go to Bonefish for pin-pricks of sauce or tweezered micro-herbs artfully arranged on the plate, but I wouldn't mind a little symmetry. My Lobster Thermidor Dorado (a not bad mahi mahi filet smothered in cream sauce, crab meat and lobster claws) is about to escape off the plate.

True to form, they did play moderately obscure alternative songs (It was "Shellshock" that originally endeared me) that now sound adult contemporary like Echo and the Bunnyman's 1996 past its prime, "Stormy Weather."

On the way back to Brooklyn, a Cadillac exploded or I don't even know what and a flying hubcap shredded our tire. And then the flat replacement had a hole. I can't help but think that waiting two hours for AAA to do something (they won't rescue on the BQE, by the way; you must get your car up an exit onto a service road unless you want to pay extra for the tow) in teen temps (no surer way to sober up after a few Zombies) was a sure sign that suburban chains are best left to the real suburbs, just as a Dallas BBQ would make no sense in Westchester, a working theory that needed to be made concrete. Go try some of that Times-approved Sri Lankan food, instead.

About Chains of Love

Bonefish Grill * 280 Marsh Ave., Staten Island, NY

Chain Links: Cumin Chicken Fries & Indian Indiana Chicken

If for some reason you are keen on such things, 2013 has already been a banner year for international chain expansion news.

Since I don't surf or really do beaches, I've not thought much about Costa Rica, but Technomic declares it a hotspot. It's good enough for Cosi, Moe's Southwest Grill and Smashburger.

Poor reading, i.e. skimming, comprehension led me to believe that "McDonald's takes on pizza for Italy growth spurt" meant McDonald's was going to start selling pizza in Italy. No. The only concession to local tastes described in the article is a ham and cheese sandwich.

Despite KFC's presence since 1987 Yum! Brands is losing its luster in China, along with Western fast food generally. Domestic brands like HeheGu featuring delicious-sounding "slow-cooked pork and bamboo shoots over rice" and Taiwanese chains like Dico with less delicious-sounding but highly creative "cumin-flavoured chicken fries and pineapple-chicken-mayonnaise sandwiches" are beginning to catch up with fried chicken and pizza.

Pakistan may not love our politics, but they do love our Fatburger...and Johnny Rockets, Hardee's, Cinnabon and Mrs. Field's. Of course Yum! has been there the longest--since the late '90s--minus Taco Bell as usual.

While KFC and Pizza Hut get all of the attention abroad, in 2010 Yum! did launch Taco Bell in India. It hasn't exactly won coverts so the menu will become 60% localized and vegetarian, an unusual move. Thing is, I thought that's what they were already doing. It seems like just yesterday we were hearing about Mexican paneer potato burritos.

Sure India has a middle class, but for most Domino's has been perceived as a special occasion treat. The company swapped out pricier mozzarella for "liquid cheese sauce" and voila: a 65-cent pizza. What I'd really like to see is an explanation for Taco Indiana Chicken (pictured above) described as "delicious oregano sprinkled crispy crust and a cheesy layer over seasoned minced chicken" on the menu. That's roti not tortillas, right?

I should omit this Washington Post link on principle for allowing "Vietnamese palette" to make it in. Starbucks has infiltrated Asia, but is just now getting around to Vietnam. Trouble is, the country already has an established coffee culture. It might be cool if Starbucks offered those individual metal drip filters and used a shitload of sweetened condensed milk for iced coffee.

Not all extensions are fast food.  Brooklyn Brewery is coming to Stockholm and will likely cash in Brooklyn's caché.  “Swedes love the taste of our beer, the name of our beer and the mystique of Brooklyn," said the brewery's COO.

 

 

 

New York State of Mind

Despite not trying a beef bacon burger at Dubai's Shake Shack, I was a little obsessed with the possibility of doing so next to a faux ski slope in 110 degree weather.  The new Lupa in Hong Kong stymied me more than anything (is a lunch buffet true to form?)

Both of those examples were included in a New York Times article this weekend about the power of New York restaurant brands abroad (and I thought it was Brooklyn getting all the attention, from Paris to Texas and even Bangkok). BLT restaurants, upcoming Fatty Crabs, Michael White's Al Molo, and the fake Craftsteak (the company, Dining Concepts, which is responsible for the Tourondel, Batali and White restaurants in Hong Kong, also has a Nahm in its portfolio, which has nothing to do with David Thompson, a non-Keller Bouchon, and a Blue Smoke that may be Danny Meyer-approved but isn't explicit anywhere) also get mentions.

And yet there are even more NYC brands, some big, some small, that have crept beyond our borders:

In Dubai Magnolia Bakery is in a Bloomingdale's in a mall. I would've loved to hear if women in black abayas claimed to be "Carries" or "Samanthas," but cupcakes were not making a daytime appearance during Ramadan.

I have no idea what the Park Slope of Kuwait might be, but it's doubtful that breast-feeders and  Mother's Milk Stout drinkers will comingle at the Tea Lounge's new Middle Eastern franchise.

Sarabeth's can be found in Manhattan and area Lord & Taylors, and now too in Tokyo.

I don't know that I would call The Brooklyn Diner (with its only two NYC locations in Manhattan, it already sounds foreign-ized  and innacurate)an institution. In fact, I'd never heard of it before seeing the name plastered on the wall at Dubai's Festival Walk mall, just above a Jamie Oliver restaurant.

I must admit my favorite New York transplant is McSorley's in Macau because the layers of international intrigue are nearly unimaginable: an Irish bar in the East Village transported to a casino mimicking Venice from Las Vegas and re-imagined and scaled larger for a Chinese Special Administrative Region. The world should give up because Macau McSorley's has won.

While drinking a beer at dark wood booth, I watched a video slide slow on the wall-mounted TV showing a bag of rolls, brand name Jussipussy, and a small child with the caption, "Fuck milk and cookies, give me titties and beer." The B 52s and Jermaine Stewart played in the background. There were no frat boys, just a few Chinese couples not drinking beer. Drinking is not a big part of Macanese casino culture. Perhaps what happens in Macau, does not stay in Macau.

Nathan's Famous has spread from Coney Island to Japan, Kuwait, UAE and the Dominican Republic.

And while not typically associated with New York, at least in its contemporary form, T.G.I. Friday's, is the original local kid makes good. The singles bar turned flair popularizer has penetrated every continent on earth.

Trzesniewski

I had no idea that open-faced sandwiches were a thing in Austria. (Denmark, sure.) They are part of the draw at Zum Schwarzen Kameel's lauded bar, which I didn't have time to visit. With minutes to spare at the train station, I picked up the chain version from Trzesniewski, a fine enough stand in.

Choosing based on looks alone, I ended with chopped salmon, paprika (in the Hungarian sense where paprika is the spice and the red pepper, itself), mushrooms and pickles, bolstered by cream cheese and hard boiled eggs, all on thin dark bread. More like canapes than fast food, the dainty wedges classed up the train trip back to Budapest.

Trzesniewski * Multiple Locations, Vienna, Austria

Christmas Eve Links

Last week got away from me. I wrote about smorrebrod at Aamanns, a new Danish offshoot, for Serious Eats, and also contributed to Real Cheap Eats' latest batch of reviews (yes, I have an obsession with Yip's).

This was also a super chain-y week. Everyone got caught up with Pizza Hut's Double Sensation and Brazilian burger joint, Bob's, using edible wrappers (no idea who mentioned it first, but I saw on Springwise) "Starbucks Evenings" expanded (not to be outdone by Club Applebee's) while Darden realized that no revamping will draw youngsters to Olive Garden or Red Lobster (and yes, that "Dinner Today, Dinner Tomorrow" campaign was confusing, right?)

Burger King returned to France after a 15-year absence. I imagine a Whopper will be called a Whopper. The first KFC opened in the Ukraine, and yes, there was a line.

And on Craigslist a "small restaurant from Barcelona" is looking for waitstaff for something described as "50's Americana meets Barcelona in the Lower East side." What?

Localized: Pizza Hut Singapore

It's hard to say whether wacky chain restaurant pizzas were on the increase in 2012 or if the amount of online coverage just made it seem so. Had blogs not heard of foreign Pizza Huts in 2011? Then again Yelpy PR-driven dining events (Um, "I'm not complaining, I'm just saying" tells you all you need to know) which seem more rampant outside the US, or at least NYC, are probably a factor, as well.

The Singaporean "Double Sensation," is the latest attention-grabber. And yes, the two crusts, alfredo sauce and maraschino cherry are hard to ignore. So too, is much of the tropical city-state's Pizza Hut menu.

Five things you're not likely to ever see at a US Pizza Hut:

I love how so many Asian countries are fearless about combining cheese and seafood. I'm all for it, and the pairing reaches its pinnacle with this bold fusion that would be the first thing I'd order. Classically Singaporean chili crab is presented in soft shell form and mixed with fake crab, pineapple, tomato, buttered rice and melted mozzarella.

I draw the line at warm mayonnaise, though. We all have our personal boundaries. The Ocean Catch also relies on crab sticks, pineapple and tomatoes, along with tuna, squid and shrimp--all atop lime mayo.

While American Pizza Huts still feature salad bars, in Singapore the roughage is more composed--and willy-nilly. The Fruitty Prawn Salad takes obvious favorites like shrimp, mayonnaise and pineapple and puts in mangoes, strawberries, rasins and almonds just because they can.

A roasted chicken leg isn't so odd, in and of itself, but touting the "garlic cheese fondue sauce" and its positioning on the Western Favorites part of the menu with overtly British fish and chips just makes one wonder which Western country claims garlic-cheese sauce a favorite? They lose all credibility with Americans with the glaring omission of ranch.

On the other hand, Munchie Mouse seems aggressively American with its Oreo ears and  mini M&M eyes. We have Hershey's Dunkers and Cinnamon Sticks, which I'm pretty sure are just dough scrap desserts.

Photos: Pizza Hut Singapore

 

Next Gen Olive Gardens

Classic Darden brands, Olive Garden and Red Lobster, aren't doing so well, especially with youngsters who love "unusual, exotic, organic or local ingredients" (like those found in specially formulated Campbell's soups that only millennials can taste) so the company is banking on its Specialty Restaurant Group even though that portfolio of five chains only makes up 5% of all Darden restaurants.

What are they? Upscale, ostensibly healthy Seasons 52, the only choice available to New Yorkers, Capital Grille, (curiosity-seekers should know they're on Savored) Bahama Breeze, where I may been quoted the longest wait of any chain in my life, Yard House with gussied-up bar food is on my list, but the closet location is in West Nyack (at the Palisades Center where I did try a T.G.I. Friday's a hundred years ago) and I prefer my chains in New Jersey. And lastly, Eddie V's, which is completely new to me and conjures up Eddie Van Halen or Eddie Vedder--you know, guys popular with Gen Y.

So, you know I totally want to go. Eddie V's describes its experience as "The world's freshest seafood, masterfully prepared, and served against a backdrop of cool soulful jazz." Ah ha, music does play a role! Sadly, there won't be any Pacific swordfish steaks with fresh Jonah crab, avocado and red chile vinaigrette in my immediate future because the nearest one is in Texas where there are six locations (La Jolla, CA and Scottsdale, AZ each also have one) and they are meant for under-35s apparently, despite resembling a hotel steakhouse and not serving any soups with crazy flavors. 

Photo credit: Eddie V's Houston

No Tex-Mex Eggrolls?

"Lunch was catered crew lunch from the Cheesecake Factory. I’m not a fan of the Cheesecake Factory menu. Like, it’s authored by Tolstoy, it’s so long. I find it maddening. However, I do think that the food is pretty good. We had chicken potstickers, shrimp spring rolls, teriyaki and orange chicken, and red velvet cheesecake."

--Questionable humor aside, Mo Rocca's Grub Street Diet raises a very important question--Cheesecake Factory caters?

The Pizza Company

Pizza Hut gets a lot of play online because the company's path to success in other countries appears to be paved with stuffed crusts and other novelties.

 

They were doing the shrimp cone thing on my previous visit to Bangkok in 2010.

This time? I'm not sure. Is a soft floppy crust that exciting? I may be missing the point of this promo.

This time I wanted a taste of the homegrown, and that meant The Pizza Company. It's the Thai Pizza Hut. This particular branch was in the MBK mall, others are delivery-and-takeout-only. (There are alternatives to American imports. Black Canyon, for instance, is the local chain that competes with Starbucks or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.)

Pizzas and pastas are equally popular; combos are available and most parties order both.  Seafood and spice both play major roles, as shown in the pad kee mao spaghetti, a logical fusion of drunken noodles with Western pasta. This was not bad.

Pan pizzas are called "personal" in the US for obvious reasons. The diminutive though bready quarters are meant for one. In Thailand it is suggested for up to two diners. Two slices of shrimp, mussels, fake crab, pineapple and chiles on thousand island dressing is probably more than enough for most Americans anyway.

I don't know what the ketchup was intended for. Also note the turquoise Bubblegum Sparkling beverage. Caffe Nero glowing in the background is a Black Canyon offshoot. Offshoots are big.

Do not be fooled by the old white guy (this was also the only place where I encountered American Spanish-speakers in two weeks in SE Asia and the Middle East) The Pizza Company is just as popular with Thais as tourists.

The Pizza Company * Multiple Locations, Bangkok, Thailand

 

Cheesecake Factory Westbury

At the Westbury Cheesecake Factory nothing was as it seemed or should be.

 

The Vietnamese Tacos were buns.

The kale salad was frisee and radicchio with a few errant celery leaves. I was just curious how kale would play in the suburbs, and apparently, it doesn't. I ordered it because I like sweets and nuts with my roughage and this one also contained dried cranberries, apple and marcona almonds (at least those were legit).

I would be surprised if the crispy crab wontons, a.k.a. crab rangoon, contained real crab meat, but that's not the point. Fried cream cheese is.

The macadamia white chocolate cheesecake (recommended my our server and nearly the highest-calorie cheesecake on the list--I would tell you just how much but nutritional info isn't on the site) was kind of a blondie with stuff on it. Ok, it was a cheesecake--and a damn fine one if you like violently sweet desserts.

At least my martini, The Well-Mannered Dirty Martini, was a martini, the only non-sugared choice of the ten on offer. Most chain restaurant cocktail menus will throw in one drink with blue cheese-stuffed olives to appease sweet-resistant fat-lovers. (I love cloying desserts--see above--but hate sweet beverages.)

And I must say that the suburbs are for spacious booths, not two-seaters inches from a banquette of birthday partiers playing music aloud on their phones. I could stay in NYC for that experience.  When our server mysteriously disappeared for what seemed like a universe in chain time, we contemplated up and leaving for Grand Lux Cafe down the road--it's supposed to be classier, right? I will have to get to the bottom of how once town can have both a Cheesecake Factory and a Grand Lux Cafe when so many others have to do without.

Cheesecake Factory * 1504 Old Country Rd., Westbury, NY

Soi Polo Fried Chicken

Soi Polo is one of those restaurants like Chote Chitr that is a secret to no one with even the vaguest chowhoundish tendencies. Was it the doing of R.W. Apple Jr.? I don't know.

 

It would take me more than the five days I had to scout out (no, not gems--I decided this week that that word is no longer usable) un-blogged stars. Thailand is tougher than Singapore and Malaysia with their English-friendly signage (and Malay is written in Latin script with food words that are easy to figure out) plus you really need to stick in one place for a while to get a sense for what's truly off the radar and noteworthy.

But after two previous fried chicken-free Bangkok visits, Soi Polo had to be done. Known for its fried chicken and som tam, and that's exactly what we ordered. The chicken was crispy, golden and covered in a mulch of fried garlic. Good, but certainly not the world's best. I like the sweet crunch from the garlic and the meat was moist, but I've yet to encounter anything that beats the simple perfection of Willie Mae's Scotch House, the New Orleans favorite is no less discovered than Soi Polo.

Straightforward payapa salad with fresh shrimp, no dried seafood or fermented crustaceans.

Chang beer on ice and a wad of sticky rice pried out of its plastic interior rounds out a nice lunch.

I've read reviews disparging the air conditioned restaurant that used to be a small stand, but it was certainly not air conditioned unless I was missing something. No amount of fans can counteract the humidity.

The size of chicken at KFC Thailand instagr.am/p/N5Kdv0RmMm/

— Ryan Mo (@TehWateva) August 4, 2012

Speaking of fried chicken, I saw this tweet while at MBK and had to see for myself.

It was totally American-sized, but you do get real plates and silverware. Don't forget the sweet chile sauce.

The coleslaw, however, came in a plastic container and was nowhere near the size as the salad-bowl version in the ad.

Soi Polo Fried Chicken * 3 Soi Polo, Wireless Rd., Bangkok, Thailand

Eaten, Barely Blogged: Heroes and Never Ending Pasta

Defonte's With two weeks left in Carroll Gardens (never mind that I'm only moving four miles away and have access to a car) there are some oversights to be corrected. Though it seems farther because of the BQE and Brooklyn Battery Tunnel entrance, Defonte's is technically only three blocks from my apartment yet I haven't been once in eight years. Ridiculous. So, I finally got the famous roast beef, mozzarella and fried eggplant hero, as well as one, equally hefty with roast pork and pickled vegetables. Both seriously filling workhorse sandwiches that I'm happy still exist in this ever rarefied section of Brooklyn. I'm afraid I've been exposed to too many improved versions, though, like Paesano's (scroll down) in Philadelphia (yes, weird to compare to Philly, not NYC, but I don't eat a lot of Italian-American things on bread here--I still haven't tried Parm either) and now I find the originals kind of dull--or maybe just in need of a little salt or an extra condiment. 

Rocky Sullivan's I didn't realize the Friday night 6-9 lobster thing they advertise starts at 6pm and means you need to be there then, not any time in that three-hour slot. At 7:30pm, the 35 lobsters had been spoken for. The cheeseburger and fries I consoled myself just didn't cut it. And it must be said that if you're at Rocky Sullivan's, which is attached to the Sixpoint Brewery, one should probably drink a Sweet Action or whatever may be on tap, not a bottle of Bud, as suggested by possibly contrarian Sam Sifton last week.

Olive Garden The Never Ending Pasta Bowl may not be local or organic, but it's highly seasonal. Each August the ads appear, teasing with the limited-time disclaimer. I'm not sure when it ends, but not much later than Labor Day. I've written about the absurd secrecy of claiming this $9.95 promotion in Manhattan more than once, and this still hasn't changed. You have to ask because it's not on the menu or any signs, then will be given one big bowl (plenty for one meal) on the first round, then subsequently smaller ones. And if you order a drink (no making fun of my malbec) at the bar while waiting for friends to show up, you'll get an automatic 18% tip added in. Do I look like a tourist? Who else but an American would be at an Olive Garden on a Friday night?

 

A Member of the 88%

Today I learned that 88% of residents of the UAE dine in mall food courts, which was no surprise whatsoever. (And that the waits for a table at the Cheesecake Factory, which I'm still sore over missing by a few weeks, are as rough, if not worse, than at any American location. Also, Cheesecake Factory is surprisingly high on the wish list of a number of New York Times commenters.)

This empty warren of seats at the Mall of the Emirates during Ramadan isn't technically a food court (there were two of those elsewhere) but where you could dine "al fresco" if eating at the waiter service restaurants just to the left of the frame like California Pizza Kitchen and Chili's, as well as Iranian Pars, Lebanese Al Hallab and South African The Butcher Shop & Grill.

In the real food court, late night for a second dinner, I nearly took a chance on the Zinger Shrimpo dishes at KFC (Singapore isn't the only country with weirdo shrimp on the menu) but decided that with limited time it would be better to go homegrown. We hit the food court at Mall of the Emirates late night for a second dinner.

Al Farooj is the UAE's popular fried chicken franchise. I don't even know if I can call it fast food since it took close to twenty minutes to get one spicy chicken sandwich, a.k.a. Xtra Fire.

Fried chicken, chicken sandwiches and wraps that wouldn't be completely out of place in the US are its main thing, but the sides are where it gets interesting. American jalapeno poppers and mozzarella sticks mingle with more local tabbouleh, hummus and stuffed grape leaves. We just got fries.

If I had one more sit-down meal at my disposal it definitely would've been Persian food since that's scarce in NYC. Instead, I settled for a mixed lamb and chicken kabobs at Hatam, an Iranian fast food joint. The butter, that comes in a little plastic packet to drizzle over the (large for me) serving of rice wasn't solid but liquefied like popcorn butter.

I regret not getting to sample sangak, this giant Iranian bread, or fesenjan, the renowned chicken, pomegranate and walnut stew, but this wasn't half bad for a food court meal.

Eaten, Barely Blogged: Black Labels & Seafood, City & Suburban

Minetta Tavern Not-that-embarrassing-confession: I've never had the Black Label Burger (though, I recently encountered a Thai burger bearing the same name) and when you admit this, people always want to know what you thought of it. Ok, yes,  it was very much not a regular burger. It was a rich, messy and amazing burger that actually gave me a stomach ache even from eating half. (And now I wonder if it's just because I'm getting old and can't handle fatty foods because the same thing happened with pork ribs a week later. I fear turning into my boyfriend's mom who says things like "I like butter, but butter doesn't' like me," which sounds quainter on paper than coming out of her mouth.) I’m not a tasting notes type, but I can still recall the flavor even if I'm having trouble articulating it (I hate it when people online describe food as "flavorful"). The meat had that fleshy, aged steak flavor I think is more musky than minerally that you get in particular when you gnaw on a porterhouse bone to eke out all the scraps and congealed fat. There was also a lamb special involved and it seemed unnecessary for the server to explain what merguez is, but then the crowd was weird. It was also the first time I'd ever seen middle-American grownups taking photos of their food with SLRs. Also, bros who didn't know what animal bone marrow came from and were dismayed at the cost of hair and makeup for bridesmaids.

Nitehawk Cinema Ok, these weren't bad for movie theater nachos (though chips, along with traditional popcorn, aren't exactly the ideal food for an environment requiring quiet). And it wasn't ordinary queso. In fact, the super-cinnamony chorizo and lime-heavy guacamole almost distracted from the aggressively salty quality I look for in dishes revolving around melted processed cheese.

Ditch Plains There was a lot of lobster in this roll, enough to make for a surprisingly filling sandwich, though I still find the $28 price tag tough to justify.

Extra Fancy The $12 shrimp sandwich in a split, buttered roll and demure serving fries tucked into a paper fast food bag was certainly cheaper than the lobster roll, but more of a snack than a meal.  It's a shame that they switched chefs so quickly since a city can only handle so many New England and Maryland approximations--even when well-priced and easy to score a seat on a Saturday night.

Bonefish Grill Free birthday Bang Bang Shrimp in New Jersey on the same night that the chain's first NYC branch opened in Staten Island. I considered the opening, but the charity component seemed too serious and I wouldn't be able to use my coupon, which was the whole point. I'm pretty sure 90% of tables have these crispy shrimp bathed in what I'm guessing is a sauce made of mayonnaise and Sriracha. Apparently, Bonefish now serves a lobster roll, but I'd just eaten one the night before so it didn't seem right. For the record, it's only $13.90.

Buns For the Palette

While not as obvious as Taco Bell's adoption of a Doritos shell, Cinnabon's Pizzabon isn't that illogical of a progression. (And as concluded by Slice commenters, not all that different from an NYC pepperoni roll.)

It made me think, though, how I know I saw a cheese-sauce-drenched roll at a Cinnabon in Kuala Lumpur in 2005 and can find absolutely no online evidence of this creature. The photo I took of the menu at the time was blurry and I deleted it.

Thank goodness for camera phones. Now nothing is too mundane to be snapped and saved for posterity. While taking a snack-free break at a Cinnabon during Ramadan's "takeway" (I'm still not clear why Dubai is so British-y) only hours--wouldn't that sweet smell drive you insane if you were fasting?--I couldn't help but notice that the palate/palette problem isn't restricted to the US.

And speaking of buns, my favorite of the gazillion Asian self-serve bakeries, BreadTalk, is always topical. The last time I was in Singapore, they were advertising the Obunma. This time, in Bangkok, they were all about Olympicks, sadly free of bun puns.

They're also really big on fluffy, dried meat floss, or rather, Flosss (there is a troubling mayonnaise layer that adheres the floss to bun, by the way) which like bakkwa, a.k.a. soft, chewy Chinese jerky, is a foodstuff I don't fully understand the history of but is inescapable, particularly in Macau.

And I Thought Tin Was For Tenth Anniversaries

Sometimes I like to feign horror (ok, I'm not pretending) over that special breed of public proposal: the good ol' ring in the food surprise. But I love this crazy, semi-related twist. Finding a pearl in Carrabba's mussels and using it as an anniversary ring gem? Perfect.

Ramadan For Mall Rats

Ramadan, which ends today, (time passes so fast) is something I’ve always been vaguely aware of (though not so aware that I booked travel to Dubai before realizing I’d be in the thick of it) but never so much as this year. I'm sure that annually the holy month gets covered by the media, but this year it felt like was seeping everywhere.

Without actively seeking out any articles, recently Ramadan has been the subject of a first-person account of first-time fasting  in the The New Yorker, in NPR about cheaters, and amusingly to a glutton like myself, mentioned in hand-wringing stories over perversion of its true meaning due to all the pigging-out at decadent iftars (hundreds ate themselves sick and right into the emergency room in Qatar). How restrained can a region that welcomes the first Cheesecake Factory outside the US be?

And malls--The Dubai Mall and Mall of the Emirates are the biggies, and I do mean that literally even if I'm too lazy to look up their square footage for comparison to their US counterparts--are the places that one (ok, me) might argue are the cultural hubs to best witness the collision of the modern and ancient, or at the very least how the West meets (Middle) East and adapts.

The man-made ski slope would be the obvious start. And it is nearly the first thing you see when rising up the escalator into the entrance of the Mall of the Emirates where taxis let off passengers scrambling for air conditioned relief.

You can have fondue and cocktails overlooking Ski Dubai. I'm surprised they didn't go all New Orleans and use real fireplaces despite the ridiculous temperatures (though Dubai was twenty degrees hotter than the hottest weather I've ever experienced in Louisiana).

Shake Shack holds prime real estate across from the slopes. And while no burgers could be consumed until after sundown, you're able to get your (halal, bacon-free) fix until 3am during Ramadan.

The IHOP directly next door has already opened, and I do hope a chicken veal sausage, turkey beef bacon version of the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity is on the menu.

The Magnolia Bakery was deserted. No lines, no cupcakes.

The concentration of American chains (ok, Tim Hortons is Canadian) was astonishing. Dubai has doubles and triples of restaurants with zero presence in NYC (though, oddly, Olive Garden was absent). And if you think they are filled with tourists (Americans definitely don't make-up any significant proportion of visitors, who seemed to be very British with a sprinkling of Russian) you would be mistaken.

High-end imports like The Ivy also have doppelgangers in Dubai. As do confectioners like Laduree and Barcelona's Cacao Sampaka. Maison Kayser, recently exciting New Yorkers, is old news in the Dubai mall world.

 

Covertly sneaking a sip of water or handful of Marks & Spencer trail mix in the bathroom can get old for a non-Muslim mall rat. I quickly figured out that mall hotels were safe havens. (Bizarrely, in Bangkok, a week later in my itinerary, I butted up against so-called Buddhist Lent, where no alcohol was sold anywhere for two days, except in hotel bars. If one must suffer Santana cover bands and iced Manhattans to get a fix, so be it.) The Kempinski, attached to Mall of the Emirates, had a bar full of secret smokers and eaters (no daytime drinking for anyone). We headed in for mini burgers and a dessert sampler, both far larger than the snack we originally were looking for. The Ember Grill at The Address Dubai Mall is where to do the same at the other big mall in town. There, we pit-stopped for a coffee and a smoke just because it felt forbidden and we could.

Even before 7pm, restaurants began filling up with those anxious to eat. As soon as the prayers sounded--around 7:15 during my visit--masses started trickling into the walkways (from where?) and by 7:30 some restaurants already had lines for seats. Texas Roadhouse was the surprise hit--a number of parties were waiting out front, beepers in hand. What I really wanted to know was if the servers in Dubai also periodically perform country line dances.

I returned to the Shake Shack close to midnight, mostly to see if Dubai's version attracted NYC-length lines. That did not seem to be the case--at least not at that hour. It took restraint to not order a burger, but we had vowed to try local fast food brands instead (more on that later).

My biggest two Dubai regrets were being unable to explore more ethnic eats like those chronicled in I Live in a Frying Pan (normally, I balance the modern and franchise-y with local restaurants and street food) because none were open during the day, and my brief four nights in the city meaning only having time for as many dinners, too short a stop to justify a curiosity-satisfying visit to California Pizza Kitchen or P.F. Chang's.

Summer Not Slow for Sneaky Foreign Imports

I'm only out of the country two weeks, obsessing over Americana in far-flung places. (I expected Shake Shack and Tony Roma's--all big cities on that side of the globe seem to have our failed rib chain--in Dubai, but Cheesecake Factory and Texas Roadhouse too? Many, many photos to come.) And yet I return to a slew of interlopers putting the moves on NYC.

Mohti Mahal Delux: fancy Indian from India, now on the Upper East Side.

Maison Kayser: I totally saw this Parisian bakery-cafe in a Dubai mall, which is no surprise. We finally got our first branch last week.

Big Smoke Burger: Toronto burgers and poutine coming to Manhattan (and Chicago).

Wasabi: Sushi, individually wrapped for some reason, from London will arrive in NYC next spring.

Bibigo: Healthy Korean chain that's already in LA, will be here next year. London and Tokyo will receive outposts sooner.

Not Having My Cake and Not Eating It Too

I will be birthday-traveling (Dubai, Macau, Hong Kong, Bangkok!) for the next two weeks, so it's doubtful there will many, if any posts here for a while. I'm not a blog-on-the-go type, though assuming I sort out prepaid SIM card issues in all those countries (I was never able to get my phone to work in Berlin) there will tweets and instagrams galore (I apologize in advance).

Because I wasn't thinking, I scheduled this vacation during Ramadan, which means no eating or drinking outside of hotels in Dubai until sundown. How can I fully experience a Middle Eastern Magnolia Bakery when no one can eat cupcakes?

The upside? All these crazy chain restaurant Iftars (I know this blog is from Kuwait, not Dubai, but both share Ruby Tuesday, Subway, and the like).

Also, there is a McSorley's Ale House in a Macau casino. This is going to be good.

See you in August.

Photo via B&D Kuwait

Localized: 7-Eleven Singapore

Who knew that mashed potatoes from a self-serve machine could cause such a stir? Then again, when I first encoutered the Singaporean concept of mashed potato combo meals at a 7-Eleven in the flesh, I was blown away. I've always considered the unusual snack to be a classic example of International Intrigue.

And then I rekindled my love three years later.

They also serve Maggi brand mashed potatoes with gravy at movie theaters in Penang, and probably all over Malaysia and Singapore, too. But let’s stick with 7-Eleven here. Movie theater food is another post, though I'd love to know why they commonly serve caramel corn in Latin American cinemas, but not in the US.

Five items that Singaporean 7-Elevens have that we don’t:

Mango Cheese Chicken Sandwich.

Microwavable Singapore Black Carrot Cake. Carrot is colloquial; it's really daikon.

Chili crab instant noodles

Soya Sauce Chicken Rice

Longan Red Date Jelly

Photos from 7-Eleven Singapore

When in Rome

I hate to admit my biases (though I just took that New York quiz and I'm totally not a mean wealthy person) but I blank out when it comes to Italian food. However, I just sat up and took notice when I read that there is ube cake in Rome?! Filipinos get around.

Today, on the Fourth of July KFCs in Japan had a "tabe-hodai" i.e. all-you-can-eat promotion. Meanwhile, Kobayashi was at Roberta's.

I'm going to be in Hong Kong at the end of the month, my third trip so I kept it brief, but now I'm wishing I had more time to explore because with only 48 hours you've got to keep it Cantonese. Yet, I'm reading about a Mexican food craze that stirs up the mumble-jumble International Intrigue lover in me (as well, as my tiny sliver of Latin American-ness). Taco Tuesdays at Heirloom Eatery, Brick House, Taco Chaca, the Mr. Taco truck, and visiting Mexican chefs at the Four Seasons? Actually, the funniest aspect is what I'm assuming to be British expats (aren't 90% of HK westerners from the UK?) freaking out on corn on the cob slathered with mayo and rolled in cheese and chile powder and deeming it inauthentic. Funny, because elotes couldn't be more Mexican, yet also register as exactly something a Chinese person would concoct and try to pass off as authentically other.

Mexican Style Sweetcorn via Brick House

 

 

 

 

 

 

Localized: KFC Philippines

Some limited edition fast food novelties go untouched by the internet while others blast onto the scene begging to be blogged about. Such is the case with KFC Philippines' new "streetwise" Cheese Top Burger that, yes, inexplicably drapes a slice of what appears to be American cheese atop the bun rather than tucked away inside. So simple--some might say lazy--so unexpected.

The concept of a cheese-topped bun isn't exactly unheard of in the Philippines. Ensaymadas, though, typically use Edam, and shredded, not sliced. Perhaps, what's stranger is that the mesh of cheese blankets a coating of butter and sugar. I've yet to hear of a chicken sandwich on an ensaymada, though (yes, I'm trying to give KFC new ideas).

Instead, we'll have to be comforted by five other items KFC sells in the Philippines that we don't have:

Chicken Ala King with rice and corn.

Kung Pao Chicken, also with corn.

"Pinoy-style" spaghetti, which means super sweet sauce with cut up weiners. Spaghetti is also available as a combo with fried chicken, which is very Jollibee of them.

Cali Maki Twister is fusion to the utmost degree. They take a standard tortilla and breaded, fried chicken filet, then add Japanese mayo, mango and cucumber. I would totally eat this.

Macaroni salad, fries, mashed potatoes and coleslaw were just too reasonable, so KFC had to go and add Mushroom Soup as a side for good measure. Except that they call sides "fixins."

Photos via Filipino Desserts and KFC Philippines

Twofer Tuesday

Brooklyn Abroad

There has been an event with a charity component called Big Bite Bangkok where homemade food gets sold in a hotel parking lot (and sounds perfectly pleasant, frankly). And CNNGo reports,  “’We wanted to do something like Smorgasburg in Brooklyn,’” says food writer Chawadee Nualkhair, a co-organizer of the event.”

American food trucks in Paris got the page one New York Times treatment: “Among young Parisians, there is currently no greater praise for cuisine than ‘très Brooklyn,’ a term that signifies a particularly cool combination of informality, creativity and quality.”

Fast Food Aberrations

Last week we saw mixology take hold at Taco Bells offering a morning elixir of orange juice and Mountain Dew.

And now Subway is encroaching on the taco chain’s territory with nachos. And not just any nachos, but nachos made with Doritos. With the ridiculous success of Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos Taco, it’s only a matter of times before cheese-powdered chips weasel their way into more restaurants. Kudos to the burger chain able to appropriate them first. May I suggest Wendy's taco salad as a candidate?

 

Sonic

No,  despite the frequent commercials taunting Sonic-free New Yorkers, the food isn't anything special. But when you're on the chain's home turf (founded in Shawnee, OK in 1953) you must pull-in to one of the many beckoning parking lots for at least a little something.

A Bacon Cheeseburger Toaster Sandwich (a Texas toast cheeseburger topped with squishy onion rings) and a Hey Batter Blast (that would be cookie dough and brownie bits in a Styrofoam, the to-go material of choice in the South and Midwest, cup of vanilla ice cream) were enjoyed in view of my hotel (or is that a motel?) the new-to-me brand, Hotwire-win (only $68 a night) Country Inn & Suites, owned by Carlson, the same as T.G.I. Friday's and the "upper midscale" chain, Park Plaza, I've booked for Bangkok this summer.

I'd already eaten in a car and been greeted by the slogan, "I love this Country" within an hour of touching down at Will Rogers Airport.

Seasons 52

Seasons 52, Darden’s upscale, ostensibly healthy chain would be an ideal candidate for The Post-Millennium Chain Restaurants of Middlesex County, New Jersey treatment…but that will have to wait until 2013 when the state of New Jersey receives its first branch in Edison.  Instead, I visited the closest location to NYC, at the King of Prussia mall just three miles from the Valley Forge Radisson with a 15^th floor dedicated to fantasy suites, of which one, The Star Gazer, was a setting in Blue Valentine.

If you stripped away the burgundy arch and oversized lanterns near the entrance, and swapped some wood for metal, Seasons 52's facade isn't radically different in style from Elements, the foodie destination restaurant in Princeton. (Also,  I think that I could be one-half of that couple, if I were ten years older and took a very slightly different path in life--one that involved marrying a man who wears light denim.)

Not a chain restaurant.

 A Saturday at 7pm demanded a one-and-half-hour wait, though the first-come seat-yourself lounge had a spacious booth wide open up for grabs. And it took a few seconds to register that, not only was that not the Sade version of “Smooth Operator,” filling the packed room, but that it was being belted out just a few feet away by a young-yet-mature blonde woman sitting at a piano inside of the ovoid bar.

Ok, live music, a roaring fire, chunky mid-century stone, and metal cocktail shakers placed in front of a good number of patrons? Classy.

And on-trend with a seasonal menu with specials that change weekly (hence the name, duh) and no dish with more than 475 calories. Playing up the mainstreaming interest in food-sourcing  with a nod to portion control is not a common combination in the chain food world. And clearly, it's striking a chord with suburbanites based on the crowds.

The cocktails (yes, wine is their focus, not spirits) still read very middle-American, i.e. a list of typically fruity and sweet "martinis." Of course, that shouldn't stop anyone from just ordering a simple stiff drink if that's what they want. I did.

Flatbreads are like crackery pizzas; taking out the chew and the squish is one way to slash calories. This was a special with goat cheese, artichoke hearts, and caramelized onions, an ok enough snack. I would've liked some Kalamata olives on this, but with the cheese that would certainly break the 475-calorie-limit. Frankly, I wasn't hungry after an afternoon of cheesesteak and Italian sandiwch sampling--I just wanted a drink and something light.

The Columbia River steelhead trout atop arugula, chopped vegetables, shrimp, and couscous isn't the type of thing I normally order at restaurants, well, because it read as very healthy, but completely pleasant. The fish was still moist (yes, I know everyone hates that word), the cilantro-spiked yogurt sauce was a fine addition, and the grilled lemon added a little visual interest as well as more acid.

I was told by our server that this dish "doesn't taste like trout," despite showing no skepticism of that poor fish. “It tastes more like salmon,” I was further reassured. Clearly, people in King of Prussia hate trout, though I probably wouldn't bring up my trout defense with a group of diners unless prompted.  It almost made me want to complain about the trout being too fishy after ordering it, just to get a reaction.

Of course you could just order salmon.

The food had a familiar quality to me, and James pegged it: "It's like Cooking Light recipes." Sure enough, the petite lean proteins bulked up with vegetables, yogurt mimicking cream sauces, juices adding flavor instead of fats, did resemble our not terribly exciting (though not bad tasting) weeknight dinners.

And there's the rub. I do tend to make lighter food during the week to balance out more decadent meals out, maybe one weeknight and over the weekend (I wish I was one of those bloggers who eats out every night of the week, but my health can't afford it even if my finances could) and when I do go out to restaurants I don't necessarily want to continue my dietary austerity. But I do love the novelty in this franchised form and it makes sense for these higher-income pockets of the suburbs. It wouldn't as well in a bigger city where eating healthy is less of a struggle, heirloom vegetables and heritage meat are in abundance, and plates rarely come piled with enough food for multiple meals. It's not as if Seasons 52 could compete with ABC Kitchen.

There's also a Maggiano's (on my to-try list--it's a fancier Olive Garden, right?) that looks like a mansion in the parking lot. Also, why is Maggiano’s always near a Crate & Barrel?

Seasons 52 * King of Prussia Mall, 160 N Gulph Rd., King of Prussia, PA

One of These Restaurants Is Not Like the Other

I wonder if people call 30 days ahead for Fadó reservations?

Chart via Compete

When in Doubt, Add Mango

Another day, another localized snack food story. May was kicked off with the Huffington Post vs. Businessweek with mango-flavored Oreos playing a role in each. And before I could even get around to posting this, The Wall Street Journal busted out a piece about Dunkin' Donuts' first Indian outpost. Yes, there will be mangoes--as well as a lychee Coolata and a Jerk Cottage Cheese Ciabatta sandwich.

And if Pinkberry wasn't enough, now India and China will be the recipients of another chilly American dessert: water ices, courtesy of Rita's. No word on the presence of mangoes.

A Jamba Juice franchisee in the Bahamas didn't localize (mango is already on the menu, after all) but bucked tradition by adding food, which proved a huge success for the chain. He still went out of business, however, and is now going like gangbusters with a presumably mango-free Johnny Rockets in the Atlantis resort.

Chinese orange-mango Oreo pic via Kraft Foods

In the Privacy of Your Own Home

P.F. Chang's, the restaurant, was acquired today by Centerbridge Partners LP. The Chinese bistro isn't doing so well, yet P.F. Chang's Home Menu, the brand's frozen food offering, was the best-selling new food and beverage product launch of 2011, according to SymphonyIRI, beating out Thomas' Bagel Things by nearly $30 million. (I'll admit I picked up a bag of orange chicken at Target out of curiosity, but really anyone in NYC would just go to their local joint, likely in a three-block-radius, to satisfy  their Chinese-American junk food needs.)

Perhaps next year we'll see IHOP's new at HOME syrups on the list.

Or Olive Garden's salad dressings at Sam's Club.

Not so long ago I found these Jelly Belly Dessert Toppers at Wegmans and they made me want to hurl. The neon red cherry one in particular reminded me of something you might find in the over-18 section at Spencer's that would give you an instant UTI.

Oh, Zagat has a timely post today about taste-testing seven frozen restaurant meals.  Spoiler: T.G.I. Friday's Cheddar and Bacon Skins are the real deal.

 

Chain Links: Smashed Burgers and Cheeseburger Rims

Smashburger just opened its first international location—in Kuwait, naturally.

It doesn’t seem right that India will be barraged by Pinkberry and we are without a kulfi chain. Are there kulfi chains?

UK wiener crust has nothing on cheeseburger-rimmed pizza. Oh, Pizza Hut.

Ben & Jerry’s is now in Tokyo. So far the flavors (I'm not typing flavours) look all-American.

How could Puerto Rico not have an Olive Garden already?

Supposedly, in China, people only drink an average of three cups of coffee per year, so Starbucks is kind of screwed. Plus, they linger for hours and bring in outside food when they do patronize the cafe.

Photo: Smashburger Kuwait

Localized: Pizza Hut UK

Pizza Hut has been causing a ruckus (I don't even know who to link to--it was all over) this week with its new hot dog-stuffed crust in the UK. Is that really so weird in the scheme of things? It's not exactly mayonnaise-drizzled squid, beef stew, or foie gras--just wait until I get into Japanese pizza.

Ok, teaser: can a demure wiener crust drizzled with mustard even compete with a pigs-in-a-blanket rim served with honey maple and ketchup? Both Pizza Hut creations.

We don't need to look to tube steaks squeezed where they have no right being to know that they do things a little differently in Ol' Britannia. See: sarnies, puds, and baps.

And with that, here are five things served at Pizza Hut UK that we don't have:

Foot Long Pastas (Classic Lasagne, Salmon Pasta Bake, Mac & Cheese and Chicken & Mushroom Bake). Um, metric system fail?

Creamy Blue (blue cheese, mozzarella, béchamel instead of tomato sauce, mushrooms, and a drizzle of balsamic) from the "Posh" selection of pizzas.

500-calorie Pizettas like the Shrimply Delicious

The Blazin' Inferno, which includes double pepperoni, jalapeños, and a trademarked chile called Roquito®, which appears to be similar to a piquillo.

Banoffee Hot Cookie Dough Dessert. This puts our HERSHEY'S® Chocolate Dunkers® to shame.

Previously on Localized: Dunkin' Donuts Taiwan

Photos: Pizza Hut UK, YumSugar, harpluck

 

Chain Links: Kuwaiti Toll House Cafe, Colombian Chicken & Costa Rican Cosi

As I research a potential summer trip to Dubai, I'm more and more fascinated by the number of imported chains, particularly the American ones, since it seems like most of the western tourists and expats are British, or at the very least not from the US. Nestlé Toll House Café by Chip is one of those weirdo chains that I'd never even heard of until recently. The CEO, originally from Lebanon, is having great success with the brand in the Middle East.

Speaking of, Smashburger just opened its first Middle East branch in Kuwait. Halal Angus beef, of course.

Kokoriko Natural Rotisserie, a Colombian chicken chain, has teamed up with chef Richard Sandoval (the man is ubiquitous) to create a menu for the US. The first location in Miami should open any day, though I'm still not sure how this differs from the Kokoriko that's already in Miami.

Twenty-five Wendy's may appear in Georgia and Azerbaijan over the next ten years.

The Original SoupMan's first international location will be in Tokyo's Central Train Station.

Cosi is franchising in Costa Rica.

Photo via Al-Mubarkia

Chain Links: French Edition

French lunch times have shrunk from an hour-and-a-half to 22 minutes, so sandwiches are replacing bistro meals. Now there are lines out the door at Subway, and McDonald's has added waiter service at one Paris location to capitalize on the move toward more casual dining.

Despite France's large Muslim population, there has been little tradition of fusing French gastronomy with halal meat. Restaurant, Les Enfants Terribles, may be one of the first. French burger chain, Quick, started serving halal-only meat at eight of its 350 locations in 2010, and not everyone in the country was so happy about that.

Beurger King Muslim, a suburban Parisian halal fast food joint, tried to make a go of it in 2005 but I don't see any evidence that it is still in business.

Photo via Next Generation Food

Localized: Dunkin' Donuts Taiwan

Welcome to Localized, the first in a new series about localized menu offerings. You know, regional tweaks to American chain staples.

I'm starting with Dunkin' Donuts for no particular reason. It is an oddball in that it's such a popular franchise in NYC, but has completely disappeared from the Northwest where I grew up. And yet these American doughnuts have spread all over the world; 30 countries, to be precise. Taiwan has 26 branches.

Two differences in Taiwan are that supposedly the doughnuts aren't as sweet, and you get to pick them out yourself with a tray and tongs much like at Chinese bakeries here. So far, I see no evidence of the pork doughnuts promised for China last month.

Five things Dunkin' Donuts in Taiwan has that we don't:

Heart-shaped doughnuts year-round

Whoopee  pies in chocolate and green tea (pictured)

Squarish doughnuts with a hole and two different fillings piped in

Bbq pork Danish sandwich

Flavored ice teas like kiwi

Ring-style doughnuts that I've only seen in Asia at places like Mister Donut

First-hand accounts:

Brand Eating
TheNHBushman.com

Chain Links: African Fried Chicken, Roll Cleveland and Arabian Top Chef

Ghanians now have KFC. And while the presence of an American fried chicken chain may signify prosperity in developing countries, in the US the brand isn't faring so well. Ghana already has local Chicken Inn, Papaye, and the UK's Southern Fried Chicken.

Starbucks still hasn't penetrated Italy, and much of Europe is giving the coffee chain problems, too. The British dislike being called by name when their order is up and prefer lattes, though not Starbucks' watery version. The French like to sit while drinking coffee, abhor to-go cups, and along with the US is getting a "blonde" roast because think the espresso tastes too charred. Not in the article: there's a hot, vegetable-heavy wrap on the French menu inexplicably called Roll Cleveland.

Saudi Arabia is teeming with fast food and American franchises, but fine dining isn't at a high level. In reponse, Yasser Jad, founder of the Saudi Arabian Chefs Assocation, is trying to change that with a new cooking school. Also, he was a judge on a Lebanese-produced version of Top Chef. Who knew?

KFC cashiers photo via Twi Teacher, Top Chef Middle East photo via Facebook

The Post-Millennium Chain Restaurants of Middlesex County New Jersey: Bahama Breeze

 
The shtick: The Caribbean comes to the suburbs, one pineapple coconut martini at a time.
Signatures: Indiscriminate usage of descriptors Island, Creole, Cuban, and Jamaican, and an unusually long list of appetizers and snacks, i.e. "Caribbean-inspired tapas."
The new Bloomin’ Onion: Truffled yuca fries with guava ketchup.

The suburbs can soften you, or at least tame rough edges. Normally, I disapprove of children at bars or hour-long waits to be seated, yet concessions must be made for novel experiences. Bahama Breeze, the Darden brand that no one knows about—there are only 30 locations nationwide—is special in its scarceness.

So, I got to know the eight-year-old (he could've been a mature four or a shrunken 12--I can't tell children's ages) who wanted to compare iPhones and show me his Facebook friends while sitting at the bar with his parents. Even though the restaurant had only been open a few weeks, the family were old pros. The father who struck me as a contractor, a foreman, old enough to now delegate manual labor, was not one to waste words, but the mother was a talker and was quick to explain which drinks were stronger and which were pretty but weak (The Bahamarita).

I unwittingly picked the most expensive cocktail (chosen because it seemed the least fruity/sweet, likely to use premade mix) a Caipirinha , but don’t worry, it was only $8.69. 20-ounce house beer is only $4.29 by comparison (I am still reeling over the $6.25 Sam Adams at the Red Lobster across the highway).  It's not all blenders and Captain Morgan's either--Gosling Black Seal Rum and Pussers's Dark Rum also make their way into a Dark and Stormy and Painkiller, though the latter may be controversial with New Yorkers since the Lower East Side bar, Painkiller, was strong-armed into changing its name. by Pusser's

The decor was also more tasteful than I had expected, at least in comparison to the other nearby tropical-themed restaurant, Cheeseburger in Paradise, on the other side of Route 1, similar to how I imagine a Caribbean resort to look ( I have never been to the Caribbean, but I am thinking more Hyatt than Sandals—I still haven’t encountered a Four Seasons/Ritz-Carlton-type chain restaurant, though I would like to). Less Hawaiian shirts, neon pinks and turquoises, and rampant wicker, and more warm chocolate tones, restrained thatching, and dark wood. Though not mahogany, which I'd never given any thought to until the day an entertainment reporter called when I was working at the New York Post library to ask, "Is mahogany an upscale wood?"

One of the most unusual things, which isn’t odd on the surface, is their rampant use of pork. Outside of bacon, breakfast sausages and the limited-edition McRib, pork just isn’t commonly used by chain restaurants, though that’s changing. 2011 saw a 7% in pork mentioned on menus. Now, I'd like chains to tackle my other beef: reluctance to serve bone-in chicken.

It’s in the chorizo sliders (loose Mexican-style sausage formed into square, springy patties, by the way, not the hard-cured Spanish type, which one might assume considering the inclusion of Spanish cheese) with Manchego.

As well as the sweet plantains topped with scoops of pulled pork and a smoky, also-sweet (sweet and salty are the dominating flavors) guava barbecue sauce.

Anything could’ve been breaded into these fritters—who knows conch from any other shellfish when it’s heavily battered and fried and dipped in a creamy sauce? At least they were striving for regional authenticity.

Unlike that old Jamaican favorite, pasta with cream sauce, a.k.a. Calypso shrimp linguine.  That's the trouble with entrees. It's easier to play with empanadas, flatbreads, sliders, dips, and wings. Main dishes rely on staid sides, in this case rice, garlic mashed potatoes or cinnamon mashed sweet potatoes, and pasta. I just ate an appetizer as a main instead.

Your server might spend an inordinate amount of time with your leftovers and you may see them fussing around with the aluminum containers at their station. But you will be more forgiving when you see that they’ve drawn a picture and thoughtfully dated the creation. Or not.

Previously on The Post-Millennium Chain Restaurants of Middlesex County New Jersey:
Intro
Brick House Tavern + Tap

Bahama Breeze * 520 Woodbridge Center Dr., Woodbridge, NJ

Red Lobster

3/4 It is hard to pass up Bonefish Grill, my favorite chain, for Red Lobster, especially since they share the same parking lot (across Route 1 from the Woodbridge Mall where an uncharacteristic shooting just occurred and the township's first Olive Garden opened late last year to little fanfare) in Iselin, New Jersey. But this was a Darden mission since I traded in Chase debit card points for a $100 gift card to be used at any restaurant in the company’s stable. And there was no way I was touching Olive Garden, not after Marilyn Hagerty had her way with it.

And really, Red Lobster’s reported Bar Harbor transformation needed assessing, though frankly, I don’t remember what the old Red Lobster looked like since I haven’t paid a visit since the early ‘00s. It looks like there are now gray wooden slats, wainscoting, and framed semaphore flags under glass. I would not say that I felt like I was in Maine, though Maine could very well feel like this; I’ve never been there.

A Friday at primetime, 7:30pm, is asking for trouble. James estimated 30 minutes, I gauged one hour based on the distance we had to park from the entrance. I won. We were quoted exactly 60 minutes, which can be tough to stick out in a smooshed, standing-room-only NYC bar, but no problem on a backed bar stool sipping suburban-priced drinks.

Except that latter part didn’t prove true. I assumed a ten-dollar-bill would buy two beers yet when our bartender asked the other the price of Sam Adams, the most exotic brew on tap (this is where the elegance of Bonefish becomes more apparent—they serve a few cursory craft beers and even though the cocktail list is vodka-heavy and they abuse the term martini, at one point they did attempt promoting brown spirits and even participated in Tales of Cocktail the one year I went. Their newest creation—yes, I’m an email subscriber—contains fresh pineapple and rosemary and uses the word muddle in the description, so they’re try) he was told, “6.25!” Um, I’m still not convinced that was correct or if it was $6.25 total, not each, considering my stiff Manhattan that followed (I gave up on beer if that was what they were charging) was only $5.95.

The signature Malibu Hurricane is also inexpensive. Unlike the regular menu and online menu with prices localized per zip code (yes, Times Square charges like 20% more than any branch in the system), the drinks menu lists no prices so you can’t question them authoritatively. I also began doubting the bartender’s judgment when he told the older couple next to us who gave up and decided to eat at the bar that no one liked the mac ‘n’ cheese because it had bacon in it. What the…what kind of American, a chain-patronizing American, doesn’t like bacon?! Maybe he meant because it was Lent?

Eating raw seafood isn’t just not done at Red Lobster, it might be taking unnecessary risks. But c’mon, they were being all fancy, with a fresh fish menu that name-checks the “grill master," and well, if they’re going to offer raw seafood, I’m going to try it. Who knows the origin of the $12.99 for a dozen oysters (actually, we kind of do; AmeriPure is the name of the comany and Process® that treats Gulf Coast oysters in some manner to give them a "superior shelf-life and yield factor") but it’s not like you can fake an oyster like calling langostino lobster or mash and extrude pollock into surimi and call it crab/krab. No, the provenance-free oysters didn’t have a particularly briny or distinctive flavor, but at least they weren’t drowning in cheese (though, charbroiled oysters, smothered in parmesan, butter, and garlic, a New Orleans delicacy, is not something to mock).

The melted cheese (three mysterious types) with the artichoke dip, ostensibly containing lobster, was more like it. Tricolor chips mandatory. A gooey, warm dip must be on the menu (as well as clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl) though I’m curious if their clientele is as resistant to change as they might think. I mean, a lobster roll would be very on-trend and very Maine, but I don’t see that being done at any chain seafood restaurants including the slightly more progressive competitor across the parking lot. I’m guessing consumers would view it as cost-prohibitive for a sandwich when everything else in that category is under $10.

You get a salad (house or Caesar) and Cheddar Bay biscuits, the latter kind of being the whole point of going to Red Lobster. I should’ve taken them up on their supposed unlimited nature. Frankly, I would be fine with a basket of transfatty biscuits (I wouldn’t be surprised if they were made with that popcorn butter that’s not really a dairy product and is served alongside just about everything) and a couple of non-Sam Adams-priced beers at the bar.

I picked the Lobsterfest option featured on the front of the special menu, Harborside Lobster & Shrimp, mostly because I didn’t want pasta or mac ‘n’ cheese (sorry, bacon) but couldn’t forego the starch altogether (there is a bed of mashed potatoes beneath the shrimp skewers—the default was rice). Despite being seafood-focused, the overarching flavors were salty and buttery with the primary texture being creamy. There is nothing surprising about any of this, and you don’t have to think hard about it because it’s inoffensive and you're not supposed to dwell--just dip your langostino tail in the butter (then dunk your Cheddar Bay Biscuit for good measure).  I can’t criticize freshness since this is not sashimi nor Le Bernadin, and just about any shrimp served in the region (except when nicer restaurants tout those tiny, sweet Maine shrimp during their short season) has been frozen.

And a trio with a real Maine lobster tail.

Unable to leave well enough alone, I was wooed by a Chevy’s billboard on the drive back to the Goethels Bridge that was advertising a 10pm-to-close happy hour. $3 drinks and half-priced appetizers! I have often wondered where people drink in the suburbs, and now I know that at least some people, young, tanned, gelled, velour track-suited people, fill the bar at Chevy’s drinking Mexican Bulldogs, i.e. giant frozen drinks, often neon blue, with a Corona held upside down in the beverage by a plastic contraption. I had a headache the next morning (though my stomach was just fine, raw oysters be damned--must be that AmeriPure Process®) and live in fear of becoming a chain restaurant drunk.

Red Lobster * 635 Rt. 1, Iselin, NJ

About Chains of Love

Better Than Shamrock Shakes?

The early 2000s were a crazy time. We had neon blue and pink Parkay, monster-hued purple and green Heinz ketchup, and sky blue Ore-Ida frozen fries. Now we are resigned to getting our unnaturally colored condiments once a year when Burger King gives away free fries with green ketchup for St. Patrick’s Day.

It’s a shame the holiday falls on a Saturday this year, since I work a block from a Burger King, but they’re scarce in gentrified Brooklyn. At least BK spells St. Paddy's correctly--I've seen a lot of two T's nonsense this week.

About Chains of Love

Photo via GrubGrade

New Yorkers Surprised by Olive Garden's Warm Reception Outside of New York

People seem to think this earnest Olive Garden review in the Grand Forks Herald is a joke (no, the accompanying photo doesn't help) but little about it surprises me and I know nothing about the North Dakota dining scene. This is how things are, and would hardly be the first Olive Garden critique in a regional newspaper (here's a recent one from Baton Rouge's The Advocate, which I mistook for the gay Advocate for a nanosecond)

Admittedly, I do worry a bit about the town if this is true: "All in all, it is the largest and most beautiful restaurant now operating in Grand Forks. It attracts visitors from out of town as well as people who live here." I'm starting to feel a little attracted...

With very little research, it was easy to determine that independent restaurants do, indeed, exist in Grand Forks, and Marilyn Hagerty has, in fact, reviewed them, many of them. On one hand: good, she tries everything, not just chains. On the other hand, she's dined extensively in the region and truly finds Olive Garden to be the "most beautiful." Pehaps local message boards could heatedly debate this a la Pete Wells's starring of Shake Shack.

A tiny sampling of non-chains in Grand Forks:

Sanders 1907 Dakota Cuisine. The menu is fairly meat-and-potatoes, but they do serve hamachi carpaccio, escargot, duck burritos, and list 58 scotches.

The Toasted Frog does bar food that wouldn't be wildly out of place in bigger cities: fried cheese-wrapped pickles served with sriracha, and panko-crusted fried oysters with remoulade. Wood-fired pizzas are also their thing and the Roma-Dakota mixes late '80s faves: sun-dried tomatoes and artichoke hearts with the unexpected: pheasant confit.

Dakota Harvest Bakers is an artisan bakery using local ingredients. Sandwiches include banh mi and a muffaletta.

Frankly, I was most excited to learn about new-to-me regional chains (always a pleasure): Paradiso Mexican Restaurant with all-you-can-eat Fajita Wednesdays, Rhombus Guys, a gluten-free pizzeria, JL Beers, a craft beer and burger joint touting freshly ground beef and baked buns, and Grizzly's where "fresh flavors of the northwoods" translates to Wisconsin cheese curds with ranch dressing, steak, ribs, and general bbq-ness, and Green Mill with award-winning buffalo wings.

UPDATE: The Village Voice went straight to the source (smart!) and Marilyn Hagerty sounds pretty awesome.

Photo: Greater Grand Forks Convention and Visitors Bureau Visitors Guide 2012

Talking Turkey

I'm back from a New Orleans mini-vacation, and while I reacclimate and  get myself together (something about my eating/drinking-filled vacations exhaust rather than recharge) have a look at my latest Fast Food International post on Serious Eats. It's Çigköftem, a new Turkish vegetarian takeout chain in the East Village.

Pollo Tropical

It seems like I've driven by Pollo Tropical on Route 1 a million times, though realistically it's more like once every month or so for the past three or four years, or however long it has been open. The temptation of drive-thru yuca fries is always strong, but not enough to stop. My interest in American chain restaurants is more focused on sit-downs than fast food, though as it turns out Pollo Tropical is an intebetweenie fast casual, i.e. order at the counter with food brought to the table and bussed for you.

The idea was just to grab a snack after Costco to tide myself and a friend until dinner at Bahama Breeze. But the small order of yuca fries, more satisfyingly crispy and starchy than French fries, and fun to eat with the gazillion sauces from the condiment bar (the hot and guava bbq sauces were keepers) ended up being a gateway to larger things.

Next thing I knew I was ordering a small TropiChop, intending to only get roughage and protein, low-carbing to balance the yuca. But somehow I ended up with black beans and brown rice in addition to my shredded lettuce and roast pork. It’s hard to say no when the cashier rattles off your options and you have no idea what you’re doing. I would totally order one of these for lunch if Pollo Tropical existed in lower Manhattan. It’s comparable to Chipotle’s burrito bowl, but cheaper and less caloric.

And for those in the market for a chain restaurant Valentine’s and can’t hack the $10,000 Pizza Hut promotion (with high potential for food-embedded engagement rings) or have already done the White Castle event (where you could propose with a much cheaper Chicken Ring) you can have two TropiChops, two fountain drinks, and two orders of yuca sticks for $9.99. Romantic, no? I got an urge for a Valentine’s at Chili’s after its mention on 30 Rock, but the closest one is in subway-free Glendale and we don’t generally use the car on weeknights.

Want me to quash that loving feeling? Well, I ended up barfing up my Pollo Tropical food in a Trader Joe’s bathroom shortly, afterward. Not because it was foul, certainly, but because I have this inexplicable malady where about 50% of the time that I go to New Jersey (but nowhere else including Quebec City, a ten-hour-drive and not-so-short jaunts to Baltimore and Philadelphia) I get extreme nausea, sweating and dizziness, motion sickness.

Pollo Tropical's decor incorporates its yellow bird in shades mascot into works of art. Mona Lisa, Van Gogh, Warhol and so on.

I particularly liked the Hopper. But the wall outside of the Trader Joe’s bathroom (in Westfield, at least) had their logo done in a colorful Warholian multiples too. Is this a thing? I wasn’t feeling up to snapping a photo.

About Chains of Love

Pollo Tropical * 77 US Rt. 1, Metuchen, NJ

Shutting My Pie Hole

Today is Australia day and the official grand opening of Pie Face, the new midtown meat pie shop. Read more about it on Serious Eats. There are freebies to be had if you're in the area!

Nordsee

There are so many un-American things about Nordsee, the German fast food chain (though its mascot is very Spongebob). I can't see a fish restaurant not exclusively devoted to the battered and fried doing so well. Plus, real plates, glasses, and beer in a mall food court?

To be fair, there are plenty of fried options at Nordsee; the woman in line ahead of me was getting a very Brooklyn Chinese takeout combo of fried shrimp and fries. I was trying to not fill up so I could squeeze in a second lunch later, hence the petite sweet-and-sourish pickled herring, cucumber, and onions on a roll. I would totally buy this instead of those sad still-hungry-afterward half-baguette sandwiches from Pret a Manger that I occasionally get sucked into ordering.

More American was Papa Asada, the Tex-Mex restaurant, selling something that looked suspiciously like a Crunchwrap. In fact, it was called a Crunchwrap. It's also suspiciously absent from its website. Perhaps Taco Bell should look into a German expansion.

Nordsee * ALEXA, Am Alexanderplatz Grunerstraße 20, Berlin, Germany

 

Where Pesto Has Failed to Infiltrate

So so much to be gleaned from this WSJ article on the quirks of chain restaurant diners (none terribly surprising, but still) plus it managed to use both palate and palette (correctly) a feat as enjoyable as when a character in a movie says the name of the movie.

Olive Garden eaters are turned off by the saltiness of capers and the er, greenness of pesto (I thought that condiment went mainstream around 1990, along with sun-dried tomatoes and hummus--the latter currently being tested at T.G.I. Friday’s), won’t eat pears and Gorgonzola or gnocchi, refuse to part with that frosted salad bowl from another era (that era when pesto became a part of the American diet), and love cheese and chicken more than life itself. Pretty much they’re the worst people on earth.

Applebee’s and T.G.I. Friday’s customers are wilder because they’ll eat okra, ahi tuna and hard boiled eggs cut into wedges. Romano’s Macaroni Grill diners are rich and less scared of Italian food. Why have I not been there yet?

Despite the lowest common denominator approaches employed, the brands are not unaware that more adventurous diners are turned off by the chain staples.

"'We always have to be careful to not always offer cheesy, chickeny things and pastay things,' because such dishes might push away customers with more advanced palates, says John Caron, president of Olive Garden."

As a result, Olive Gardens offers a non-fried, pasta-less, cheese-free bouillabaisse-type seafood dish that costs more than average ($16.25, which I’m sure is not the NYC price--ok, it's $23. 95 in Times Square, which is why chains are best experienced in their natural habitats) and that no one orders. The brodetto is for advanced palates only.

About Chains of Love