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Posts from the ‘Page & Screen’ Category

Thai Worth Driving For

I'm not against car ownership in the city. The vehicle in my household can get from Carroll Gardens to Woodside for Thai food in 12 minutes on a good day as opposed to the two trains and 57 minutes proposed by Google Maps.

Which is why the most salient tidbit in that New York piece about cars not being the enemy was this:

"I can have a Thai lunch in Ridgewood and then hop over to Prospect Park, a trip that would otherwise present me with the preposterous choice of taking four subways or two buses, or else zigzagging through the Lower East Side."

One, there's Thai food in Ridgewood? And two, it's worth driving across boroughs for? Granted, my Ridgewood years were pre-millennium, and I lived in the more isolated German/Italian/Polish/Romanian/Serbian section, not the increasingly cool Bushwick borderland. So,  I wonder if it's Ridgewood Thai or Thai Village?

The Third Wheel

California almonds

This California Almonds ad raises similar issues as the original version of the (controversial, blog-wise)  Marie Callender's four-cheese lasagna commercial featuring Gael from Breaking Bad and two other women. The brunette disappeared in an edited version more commonly aired, making it more clear that Gael and the older blonde were meant to be a couple when originally relationship among the three was ambiguous. 

Threesome

It also says a lot about how immune I've become to media's warping of reality that I automatically want to pair the man with the younger woman. (The only reverse example I can even think of offhand is Edie Falco's Nurse Jackie character being partnered with a husband who appears younger and perhaps disproportionately handsome–while I appreciate the swap, it doesn't read as wholly believable.)

But the confusing two women issue still remains with the West Coast almond-loving family. At first glance, I interpreted this to be a husband, wife, daughter, and grandmother, maybe the woman's mom. But is the woman in a tailored denim dress old enough to be the mother of one of the adults at the table? It's hard to gauge because no one is directly facing the camera. The woman on the right could be anywhere from late-20s to mid-30s while the shorter haired woman is impossible to parse. She could be an older looking late 30s or a youthful  50s–I want to say 45, for some reason, pure middle-age.

Then the dude has gray hair, as men are allowed to, which also throws off the dynamic and makes him seem over 40, and therefore more age appropriate (which like the gray hair, kind of means nothing–men often marry younger women and don't cover gray hair when it shows up in their 30s) for the woman sitting closest to him.

And the body language makes it seem that the three on the left are a unit and the longer-haired woman is a visitor or more peripheral relative, maybe the aunt, maybe a friend or neighbor.  And yet sartorially I would pair the man with the hoodie lady because they're both dressed more casually and a t-shirt guy would view himself as youthful and prefer longer hair on a woman.

Lasagna

Help! Why are thre so many women at the table together how is it meant to sell food? I eat almonds (origins unknown) all the freaking time so maybe it's working on me. I even picked up one those tasty, chemical-laden, preservative-filled lasagnas not so long ago and tried to gussy it up with instagram. Pretty?

Shari, Baby

Logo-1978I am surprised by all the vitriol (and large number of comments, frankly) on the 10 Most Annoying Restaurant Trends post on the re-launched (and apparently no-longer-NYC-centric) Zagat blog, but more entertained by commenter #4's suggestion to "Jesus, go back to Shari's then."

Does anyone outside of Oregon even know what Shari's is? I would not be insulted, though, because I miss the 24-hour pie-touting chain.

Also, I do not like dogs in restaurants either, so there.

Taking the Cake

Black swan cake
If I were a Tumblr type, I would post pics all day without commentary. Instead, I’m preoccupied and must make notes to myself that I quickly forget to blog about. Case in point: Doom Cakes, which I squirreled away months ago after first hearing about it and only now remembered while stuck on a couch in a head cold stupor, wasting away an entire valuable Sunday.

This site is devoted to  the “cinematic tradition in which any beautifully decorated cake serves as a harbinger of imminent catastrophe (often including the destruction of said cake)” and it is awesome.

Palatefreak

Abba-zaba-sourapple

In the late ‘90s I had a fantasy of writing a photo-driven book about candy bars, obscure and beloved, maybe with behind the scenes factory shots. It would be called Wunderbar and it would be awesome. At least it was in my mind, but publishing was a mystery to me (it still is, frankly). I didn’t even know where to begin. Obviously, crowd-sourcing and provide-me-with-content tumblrs were an unheard of concept at the time. Even Food Network’s Unwrapped hadn’t yet aired.

My go-nowhere concept faded from memory until 2004 when Steve Almond’s Candyfreak: A Journey through the Chocolate Underbelly of America, a kind of memoir, kind of a love letter to the little guys, came out. Ah, so this is how it’s done. Or rather, one way to do it. The same year Nigel Slater’s Toast, a memoir with candy-centric leanings, was also published.

I read Candyfreak at the time (it just now occurred to me to read Toast—I’ll put a library hold on it shortly) but as with many things in life, half-a-decade later and I’d completely forgotten how it was written or any details beyond the overall topic. I’ve been giving another once over as a refresher.

All was good until I reached page 135. In describing the Goo Goo Cluster factory thusly, “Joanne led me through the warehouse, gingerly stepping over palettes on the ground.” I had two gut reactions. It was exciting to see my bugaboo word in this context because it’s the one usage you never see mangled because it’s rarely used at all. But I’m fairly certain he meant pallets not palettes.

I tried to put the homophonal transgression out of my mind and focus on the story, but on the very next page I was sucker punched again!

The same was true of ABC Fruit Chomps. They tasted funny. But they tasted funny because my palette has come to define Starbursts as the standard of normalcy when it comes to fruit chews.

Once you spy a palate abomination, there’s no way of unseeing it or forgetting it. Two in two pages? And then in the next-to-last chapter, the crime occurred again, as if to make sure I was really paying attention until the very end. Oh, I was.

The American palette is accustomed, by this time, to chocolate and peanut butter. We think nothing of the combination, in part because both substances melt at the same temperature.

No! This was particularly painful because the candy being discussed, Abba-Zabba, is easily one of my favorite candy bars (why did I never see the green apple limited edition!?). I remained defeated for the final 18 pages.

The only salvation was seeing that quaint last-decade oddity, an appendix of websites with unwieldy URLs like snickers99.tripod.com/candymainmain.html and www.smm.org/sln/tf/c/crosssection/namethatbar.html, attempting to capture the ephemeral in print.

Food Blogs…Blah, Blah

Bloggers Yes, I already posted about the ELLE food blogger article when it came out in print. No, I’m not trying to milk my fleeting minutes of fame (well, a bit maybe) but now that they’ve put it online I feel like it is my duty to link to the new format.

Print Is Not Dead

Ok, so it appears that I’ve been featured in ELLE magazine (no, not L Magazine, the first assumption from the few New Yorkers I’ve offhandedly mentioned this to). I’m as surprised as anyone.
What warms my heart the most is—no, not being referred to as “the best in the Gen X slacker”—that food totally takes a backseat to Henry freaking Thomas, a.k.a The Hankster, my raison d’etre of the ‘90s. Of course it’s now firmly 2011, but my life’s work is done. Dead serious.
Second best is seeing my favorite grocery store, the Western Beef in Ridgewood, Queens, in the background of my photos.
My mom is going to kill me for divulging her ‘80s penchant for eggs and bacon and taco salads for dinner. Thank god I didn’t tattle about her infamous peanut butter and margarine sandwiches.
No, it’s not online (oh, traditional print) so I’ve scanned the full article for visual proof, which is likely copyright-infringing (but, you know, anti-authority Gen Xer that I am...). Click images to see full-sized.

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I’m So Hungry!

Approved I’ve been aware of the existence of Lisa Lillien, a.k.a. Hungry Girl, for some time, only in that I know there is a wildly popular person who makes low-calorie versions of Americans’ favorite foods using dubious substitutions. Now that I have been DVRing her show on Cooking Channel (which I thought was supposed to be a younger, hipper, cooking-focused Food Network but clearly not) I have learned so much more. I’ve only watched three episodes, but this is what I know:

Despite her diminutive stature, Hungry Girl is a grown woman somewhere in her forties, not a girl.

No matter what she says, using lettuce leaves for buns and soy patties instead of beef do not taste like a real hamburger.

Bringing your own bottle of one-calorie-per-spray Wish-Bone Salad Spritzers to a restaurant is very dedicated (almost as much as that woman on MTV's True Life who toted around a bottle of ranch in her purse).

The defeated tone of voice during the show’s animated intro when the cartoon Hungry Girl chomps a bite out of a plate and mournfully chirps, “I’m so hungry!” goes straight into my cerebral cortex and slowly oozes down my spinal column, confusing my entire body on how it should react to such a statement. I can only shudder (and then I rock myself to sleep while eating an entire chocolate-swirl cheesecake made from chalk and mud).  

A fan of Laughing Cow cheese since I was a child (they used to come in tiny cubes and it was a rare treat I’d only get at the “gourmet” store on yearly trips to Cannon Beach) it pains me to see the wedges mixed with fat-free sour cream to make girlfredo, yes, a mock alfredo sauce.

Also, fat-free cream cheese, sour cream, mayonnaise, cheese and any other product that naturally contains fat, tastes like soft nothing. Munching on moistened dirt would be more satisfying.

Creating a brand called Hungry Girl instead of Skinny Girl or Skinny Bitch is very smart. Calorie-counting women are hungry and they wish they could eat more. Acknowledging this is down-to-earth and conspiratorial not asperational and abrasive. Despite her misguided recipes (though as I skim through them they start seeming saner and saner) Lisa Lillien seems like a nice person.

So yes, her emphasis on quantity—pointing out the enormity of allowed servings is requisite for nearly every recipe–over quality makes sense for the audience; lifelong dieters who are burnt-out on self-denial. But wouldn’t you rather eat a small portion of really good onion rings than a “ginormous plateful” of onions coated in Egg Beaters (what is egg substitute, anyway?) and crushed Fiber One cereal?

Hungry Girl is married to the producer of iCarly, the Nickelodeon tween show that popularized spaghetti tacos.

Dan Schneider, “the Aaron Sorkin of tween sitcoms” is obese. I doubt his weight defines him the way that Hungry Girl’s does, but it must create an unusual dynamic in the household. Does he also eat pieces of chicken breast coated in egg substitute, wheat flour and sugar-free pancake syrup and pretend that it’s Chinese take-out? Do you think that Hungry Girl wanted to swap her trademark Tofu Shirtaki Noodles for the pasta and use cabbage leaves instead of corn shells for the spaghetti tacos?

Oh, I got the answer (it helps to actually read to the end of a two-plus-page article).

“Mr. Schneider, the writer, said he plans to have the iCarly cast to his house to make a batch in the next few months, so that he can tape it and post it on his YouTube account. He’s only had a low-calorie/low-fat version prepared by his wife, Lisa Lillien, whose Hungry Girl franchise appeals to weight-conscious snack-food lovers. ‘I’ve never tasted the real, real version.’”

By the way, Hungry Girl keeps the taco shells in her version. The ground-beef-style soy crumbles? I hadn’t seen that coming at all.

Orphans in the Kitchen

Justlikemom Oh no, youngsters in Europe could become “kitchen orphans” because their parents aren’t cooking anymore. Since 1937 there has been a decline in “the nurturing, bourgeois home cooking for which French women have always been admired.”

Luckily, I had just read about Super Marmite, a French website where home cooks can sell their leftovers, minutes before seeing the Wall Street Journal piece. I don’t know that I would buy food from strangers because I’m distrustful that way (not from a sanitation standpoint, but a do we share similar tastes perspective) but apparently there’s a market for such things.

You Completo Me

Completo

Ease up, New York Post. You too would think New York City hot dogs were only “so-so” if you were used to eating them Chilean-style, smothered in mayonnaise and mashed avocados.

Try a completo for yourself at Astoria’s San Antonio Bakery. I forgot to take a photo of the hot dog, though. (I'm not a big hot dog eater.)

Luckily, Robyn Lee's (that's her pic above) Chilean sandwich post on Serious Eats provides some nice visual evidence.