Posts from the ‘Hey, Good Looker’ Category

The Other White Meat

1. why is pork chop an insulting word to puerto ricans?

I’m completely stumped. Maybe because they prefer the more Español chuleta?
Maybe it’s like yelling Beetlejuice three times. If you scream “pork chop, pork chop, pork chop!” a coqui appears wearing a P.R. flag and blaring reggaeton. Not sure about insulting, but that would certainly scare the shit out of me.

Oh, thankfully I’m not the only one baffled by this and at least now I understand the context, which is even weirder. I see how Redskins could be offensive, but a pig mascot named PorkChop?

2. southeast portland super grubbin food

I was afraid that in my near decade-long absence that I’d grown out of touch with the NW consumer. Just because New Yorkers are fickle trend-seekers, doesn’t mean that the City of Roses has moved on from stoner fare. Just after I moved here, I had a wonderful idea for a Portland restaurant that would be called Totally Grubbin’. Despite being a ‘90s plan, I think it would still work. And apparently, so do hungry Googlers.

3. Is Patrick Swayze half-Filipino?

That’s a good question. I don’t think he’s stealthily low-percentage Pinoy like Rob Schneider (and my boyfriend). He does profess Apache blood, but all freaky types like to play Indian (I have half-brother who I haven’t seen since I was a toddler but last I heard he was a leather-fedora wearing bouncer with long red hair, had pet snakes and was claiming Native American heritage).

But Patrick Swayze does kind of appear where you least expect him. A million years ago there was a painting of a half-moon with a face on a Portland Safeway window on 28th and Hawthorne. I swear to god, it looked just like Patrick Swayze and I never missed an opportunity to comment on it. My mom didn’t agree; my sister didn’t either. But I know what I saw and the biggest tragedy is that digital cameras hadn’t been invented yet. So, half-Filipino? Not so sure. Half-moon? Most definitely.
4. is hank harris really retarded

For the love of god, nooo.

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Scrape Books Sous Vide

1. (German Google) Life in the Paki shop/ What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head?……

Um, I don't know. What do you call an Indian with an apple on his head? I tried coming up with a punch line before looking online (Fruit Salaam? William Tamil? Ok, those aren’t even close to sensible or clever) but I’m totally stumped. Oh wow, I was on the right track, it’s William Patel. Germans are a funny people, nein?

2. why does marc marrone wear turtlenecks?

Well, the obvious answer would be duh, because he loves animals and turtles are an animal. Turtlenecks fall into two camps: debonair and dorky. And we all know Marc doesn’t fall into the first group.

  Actually, the obsessive bird ladies on this Pionus Parrot message board emailed Marc and nice guy that he is, responded:

“I was savaged by a monkey many years ago that left me with a bad scar on my neck and that is why my neck is always covered-plus Harry is always on my shoulder so the turtleneck keeps all the microphone wires hidden from him-he has destroyed many expensive electronic pieces.”

There you go. A real answer, no joke.

3. shit sous vide

So, that Cocina de Vanguardia craze has finally devolved to this? Talk about hot shit, maybe this is the sort of “molecular gastronomy” pretentious, wolverine-headed Marcel, Top Chef 2’s new villain, practices. I wouldn’t mind seeing a steamy poop amuse bouche with a little urine foam on the side make its way onto TV.

4. family  air loom receipt scrapbooks

I only mention this query because while they mangled heirloom, at least they got scrapbook right. The other day at work some nut emailed a request (I’d intentionally forgotten how it was to work with the public) for a photo the paper had run of Janet Jackson in a bikini and hip high boots that he needed for his scrape book. I don’t want to enable anyone with celebrity scrape books. Now, if he said he needed the sexy pic for a family air loom, I might’ve complied.

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It Always Comes Back to Depends

Yeah, I've slacked for a couple of weeks, but this Friday I'm back (one can only spend so much time working when said work involves searching publications like Infection Control Today and Assisted Living Consult for hours on end. Those aren't made up magazines, by the way).

1. C.C. DeVille bladder problem

You may not know this, but I have a soft spot for C.C. DeVille. I really warmed to him after seeing one of those Behind the Music episodes where he talked about a period after quitting drugs where he got fat and moved in with his mother in Brooklyn. There were photos and he was totally huge. I really loved the idea of this former made-up, bleached-out Poison member all hefty and downtrodden with that raspy voice living with his mom in Bay Ridge or wherever. His real name is Bruce, you know. No one appreciates a washed-up fatso in L.A. (or anywhere, for that matter).

As to a bladder problem? That, I don't know. Perhaps the searcher is confusing their Surreal Life participants. It was Verne Troyer who peed on the floor in season 4. While C.C. is quite short, I don't think he's 2'8".

2. Mormon recipes "sweet soup"

I'd never given much thought to Mormons having a unique cuisine and I'm not sure that I like the sound of sweet soup. As many know, Utah is the most Jell-O crazy of all 50 states. I'm starting to suspect that sweet soup is simply hot water with Jell-O powder dissolved into it, the pre-gelling stage. You know, kind of how cookie dough went from being a raw in-progress item to finished edible product loved by all. Eating raw, hot Jello water and calling it soup is just the kind of thing Mormons would do. I know, I've seen Big Love.

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God’s Eyes & Whippets

1. magic thing where u stare a for dots then se god

I don't know about God, but oh, that '90s Magic Eye craze was just oodles of fun. Staring for minutes on end trying to decipher 3-D dogs and whales and crap was about as close to divine consciousness as most people get. I only got it to work once and I only bothered at all because these printed distractions used to frequently come down the library drop chute and checking-in grimy picture books can get dull. (We also used to pass the time by finding family webpages–you know, 1997-style with midi music and lots of family photos–and send questionable messages about how adorable the children were, making sure to mention them by name. But I'm so much more mature now.)

2. is Cool Whip in a pressured can as tasty as Cool Whip in a tub?

Well, that's rather subjective. Frankly, I wouldn't recommend eating either. How about whipping real cream and using the can for noble pursuits like whippets (which I've never tried-all those '70s inhalant highs always scared me as a youngster. I remember hearing about deaths from huffing PAM in a baggie, but that could've been a Pop Rocks and cola myth).

There was an actual debate of Cool Whip versus Reddi-wip on Yahoo! Answers, if strangers' opinions are valuable to you.

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Berry Picking & Burnt Bread

Ok, I'm sticking to my Friday vow to help select lost searchers from the past few days. Just this afternoon I received an email from a nice person (and librarian) who accidentally ended up here looking for Rangoon images. That is, the Burmese (ok, Myanmar) city, not my favorite junk "Chinese" food (that I ended up ordering for dinner tonight after being re-reminded of its existence). There's simply no telling where a search engine will take you.

1. escalator mini-dress pictures

  The problem with today's willy nilly Googlers is that they toss phrases in and hope something relevant comes out. Refining searches is where librarians can be useful. It's helpful if you can identify the commonly used term for the vague concept you are interested in.

In this case, that subject would be up skirting. If our Googler had known that, they could've saved time by avoiding Project Me and getting straight to the panties. I'll leave the actual searching to the curious, as my cursory attempt put my computer into pop-up window porn hell.

2. oregonians picked berries now its all Mexicans

Oh, nostalgia…my forte. Please indulge me in some childhood reminiscing. If I remember correctly, growing up in an Oregon suburb there were u-pick fields (keep what you harvest) and pay fields (gleaning fruit for money). Just a couple blocks down the street from my house was a strawberry field that I'm sure is a tacky house or apartment complex now (I'm horrible at deciphering maps, but I am fairly certain this field would've been kind of top and center where that baseball diamond is. I have no idea what that is-I'm 99% sure there wasn't a park in that spot in the '80s. And that new construction to the left was pasture filled with cows. Do I sound like enough of an old-timer for you?) where you'd get paid, I don't know, a couple cents per berry or something. I think me and my sister just went for shits and giggles one afternoon because it wasn't terribly lucrative work.

Despite being half-Mexican we got yelled at by the owner for "creaming his crop" and then he threatened to kick us out. I didn't know what he meant then and I still don't today, though it sounds markedly dirtier as an adult. It's probably for the best that berry-picking is left to the immigrant pros in the NW rather than bored children.

3. my welts were almost gone then i had a beer an i woke up with so many hives

That's not really a question per se, but thank you for sharing. I'm off Aleve after my recent hive incident, but this stranger omission isn't enough to put me off alcohol.

4. san-X Kogepan background

This is straightforward and the main reason I've included it is because Kogepan's story is so lovably insane. For those not up on their Asian characters beyond Hello Kitty, this anthropomorphic burnt bun is great entry point into the San-X world where a family made of cheese and Beerchan, a beer mug with a face, coexist. My personal favorite is Nyanko, the cats who pose as food (and other objects).

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Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

  I feel a strange sense of responsibility when I see Google queriers (yeah, another not-real word) ending up here when it’s very likely that they have no real desire to read anything on this website (blog, whatever). It must be the librarian in me because I feel compelled to help these misguided searchers.

Time permitting, I vow to help the hapless tackle their information needs each and every Friday. You know, it’s always me, me, me (hence the name of this site, duh) so it’s only right that I give back to the online community.

Below are selected search strings, presented verbatim, from approximately the past 24 hours:

1. adult stores paramus "new jersey"

First, I would need to know whether this individual meant retailers for grown ups or porn shops. It’s not like it’s difficult to find naked people doing dirty things on the web, and clearly this person has an internet connection so I’m baffled as to why they’d need bricks and mortar porn. I’m not going to touch this one.

However, The Garden State Plaza Mall in Paramus has many offerings for the discerning adult. Lladro is quite classy. I’ve never frequented After Hours Formalwear, but it too sounds right up this searcher’s alley.

2. is juliana margulies Italian

This is a stumper. Clearly, I thought so a couple weeks ago, but I never found any hard evidence to support this. Her father is Jewish, her mother’s ethnicity is a mystery. But let’s not ignore the clues:

• Obviously she humps uber-Italians on tv. I thought she’d eventually succumb to Tony’s fatso charm, but it evolved into hot junkie sex with Christopher. Who knew?
• She majored in art history at Sarah Lawrence College and spent her junior year abroad in Florence, Italy.
• She starred in Ghost Ship, a wretched little movie that was perpetually on late night cable last year. The phantom ocean liner in question, the "Antonia Graza," was Italian.

Do you need any more substantiation than that? I thought not.

3. trader joe's paramus

What’s up with all the freakin’ Paramus? Though Paramus might seem like the kind of town that would house a TJ’s, it’s just not so. The nearest location is only six miles away in Westwood. It’s my favorite New Jersey branch because it’s never wildly crowded (though it’s lacks the beer and wine of Westfield’s Trader Joe’s) but be wary of the Melting Pot down the street. You’d be better off chomping on a wedge of Trader Giotto's Soy Cheese and calling it a day.

4. phone number for Lucille Roberts in Linden, NJ

Ah, ready reference. A librarian's specialty. At your service: (908) 474-0400 1601 W Edgar Rd.
Linden, NJ

5. wisdom teeth removed pain  pictures

Ok, what kind of freaky sadists are out there searching, anyway? You want to see people in pain? Maybe the searcher simply wants to see after photos to get an idea of what it’s in store visually. I sort of get that. What do you think about that kid on the right? Not painful enough for you? Fine, here are some links you’ll love:

Bloody mouth college guy who seems to be enjoying himself

Drugged looking guy with creepy facial hair

Some guy named Brad with a cat named James.

6. pull your own wisdom teeth

Ok, now you’re just being nuts. This is America, retard. You’ll have to cross the pond for that kind of national healthcare horror.

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