Who Needs a Sugar Daddy When You Have Splenda?

I told you 2008 was going to be my year. First I found out that fruit, my least favorite foodstuff, has little nutritional value. Then I was completely shocked to discover that cocktails brimming with cream, juice, chocolate and/or liqueurs are caloric. Thankfully, mudslides and white russians aren't part of my drinking repertoire.
 

And now I’ve read about two studies in one week that allow me to feel (minutely) superior in my choices. Disgusting things: diet soda and saccharin-sweetened yogurt, make you fat. I thought we had already decided that aspartame was evil. I never touch either so god only knows what my flabby excuse is. General excess, I suppose.

I’ve always wished I had something small and radical I could cut from my diet like chips (salty and boring) soda and juice (water has always suited me fine, which might be the most un-American thing about me) or milk and sugar in my coffee (I’ve always taken it black) and not things like bread, alcohol, pork products or candy (I actually have stopped snacking on sweets since January to infinitesimal results).

I am still waiting for the miracle study linking bacon to heart health and general svelteness. That's not so outrageous--isn't lard healthier than shortening?